Oh, sure, Joystiq gets to open up a brand spankin’ new Xbox 360. But what about the rest of us lowly people? Well, we don’t. We must settle for watching them rub their good fortune in our unworthy faces.
Coincidentally, however, a mysterious box appeared on my balcony this morning. For a moment, I figured it was just out and about, enjoying the lovely view. But upon closer inspection I realized it was planning to jump. Naturally, I hurried onto the balcony to rescue it from a most unfortunate death. Talking to it didn’t help. I think it was ignoring me. So when I thought it wasn’t looking, I grabbed it and brought it inside.
I placed it down in the middle of the living room, and welcomed it to my home. At first, it continued to ignore me. But then I noticed that it was trying to tell me something. I leaned closer.
Imagine my surprise at its displeasure! I had just saved its life! Stupid thing. But, still, I opted to be the better person. I apologized for causing it any distress, and asked if there was anything I could do to make its stay more comfortable. It said nothing. For a long while, we both sat there, staring at each other.
Finally, it admitted that it really had to use the bathroom. I said no problem and helped it on its way. I waited a bit impatiently, as it took a very long time about things, but upon its return, I was pleased to find that it seemed in better spirits. I didn’t ask what it had done in there all of that time, as I figured it was none of my business.
It then told me it would love a cup of coffee, and maybe a blanket – poor thing was freezing! So I set about making some coffee and getting it a blanket. By the end of it all, it was very appreciative. I asked if it was possible for me to open it up and see what was inside. At first, it seemed shy, but it said that since I’d been so hospitable, it was the least it could do. So, after finishing its fourth cup of coffee – the last few, admittedly, containing a bit more alcohol than anything else- it allowed me to peek inside.
I was a little disappointed, finding only an empty plastic bag inside, but I tried to hide my disappointment by going, “Oooh, a plastic bag!!!” I don’t think it bought my forced enthusiasm, because it then said, “Don’t worry, there’s more.” I felt a rush of excitement at the prospect. What could this mysterious-suicidal box contain?
So, I went ahead and dug into the peanuts. I felt a little pervy, truth be told. I’m not normally so forward with boxes I’ve just met. Particularly ones I find attempting to commit suicide from my balcony, but there was something about this box in particular that lowered my defenses – or perhaps it was that I, too, had consumed my fair share of the Irish coffee. It took me only a few seconds to touch something both familiar and thrilling.
And then, there it was: a blue Xbox controller. I swooned right there on the spot over the sheer sexiness of it all. Its beauty, its glossy shine, the rugged contours of its body! How could a girl resist?!