“I’ll Never Let Go, Zack! I’ll Never Let Go!” [Guest Post]

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Fri, Jun 20 - 9:00 am EDT | 6 years ago by
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Jamie FreveleJamie Frevele lives in New York where she writes for Huffington Post & Newsday. She became hooked on Bones during a short period of unemployment. She says that she became bored and picked up the Bones DVDs. She watched seasons 1 and 2 nonstop and instantly “fell in love with the uniquely character-driven procedural comedy drama.” She also writes her own blog, http://flummoxology.blogspot.com

Okay, eventually I will. I just couldn’t resist a really corny “Titanic” reference.

To lighten the mood a bit, I’ve written a short sketch about what could have really happened to Gormagon’s skeleton in the Bones finale.

“A Scene We’ll Never See” starring Zack Addy and Naomi from the Paleontology Department

A phone rings. ZACK answers.

ZACK: Hello?

NAOMI: Hi, Zack. It’s Naomi from the paleontology department.

ZACK: Um…hi. How are you?

NAOMI: You know, it’s going, it’s going. What what about you? How are things?

ZACK: Well, I don’t know if you heard, but I confessed to being Gormagon’s apprentice. And also killing a lobbyist.

NAOMI: I did hear, actually. What a bummer. And totally out of character for you!

ZACK: I know! I must have had some seriously unresolved issues.

NAOMI: I heard it had something to do with logic, but we’ve all seen you, Zack. You don’t even like to kill your flesh-eating bugs.

ZACK: Right? They have names!

NAOMI: And word around here is that you punch like a nun puppet. Hodgins saw us all when we were outside smoking once and told us.

ZACK: Really? I didn’t know word spread like that at the Jeffersonian.

NAOMI: Come on, Zack. The Jeffersonian is home to the biggest yentas of all!

ZACK: Very true. Anyway, why are you calling now? It’s been three years since we slept together and one since you forgot to be the front end of my cow costume. What gives?

NAOMI: Well, to be honest Zack, I was just really wrapped up in going out with other people besides you. But now, I feel kinda bad that I’ve ignored you this whole time and I just wanted to say “hi.” And that I’m thinking of you.

ZACK: Well, that’s really nice of you.

NAOMI: So, do your hands work yet?

ZACK: No. I kind of blew them up. It could be a while. Stupid move. I should have just killed myself. (catches himself) Oh, damnit.

NAOMI: What?

ZACK: They generally don’t like to hear mental patients say stuff like that.

NAOMI: Well, you wouldn’t have ended up hand-less.

ZACK: I know.

NAOMI: And we’re really expendable anyway.

[Zack pauses. How would Naomi know about that?]

ZACK: We? Are expendable?

NAOMI: Yes, Zack. We are. The apprentices.

ZACK: Naomi?

NAOMI: I’ve been madly in love with you, Zack, but I was afraid. Afraid, I tell you! I didn’t know how to reach that big freaking brain of yours!

ZACK: So you joined Gormagon?

NAOMI: Yes!

ZACK: For me?

NAOMI: Yes!

ZACK: I’m both flattered and horrified. And confused. Why not coffee? Soda pop? Returning my phone calls?

NAOMI: I didn’t think it would get your attention.

ZACK: But Naomi, you ignored me the whole time I worked at the Jeffersonian!

NAOMI: I was playing hard to get!

ZACK: So you figured you could get my attention by joining Gormagon?

NAOMI: I figured it was something we had in common.

ZACK: What, exactly? The logical argument to preserve the historical human experience?

NAOMI: No.

ZACK (ew): The cannibalism?

NAOMI: Oh, wait. Are you not a cannibal?

ZACK: No!

NAOMI: Ohhhhhhh…

[Awkward!]

ZACK: So, I guess you were the one who sabotaged the cameras while I blew myself up?

NAOMI: Guilty as charged. And stole the skeleton from the vault.

ZACK: Well, at least that can be explained.

NAOMI: Yeah, the Master got a serious case of food poisoning from eating Nick.

ZACK: Holy s***, he ate Nick, the other apprentice?

NAOMI: Yeah. He was pissed.

ZACK: I knew he hated him, but…wow. Talk about expendable.

NAOMI: Poor Nick.

ZACK: Poor Nick.

NAOMI: Anyway, I was just kind of checking in, wanted to tell you how I felt about you.

ZACK: Well, I appreciate that. Though I wish you’d said something before joining a cannibalistic cult just to get me to notice you.

NAOMI: Oh, I’m just shy. I would have loved to get together for some human being tartare, but I guess that’s just not your thing, huh?

ZACK: I’m actually a strict vegan these days. Aside from the antipsychotics and sleeping pills to help me handle all my completely unresolved issues.

NAOMI: I understand. Well, talk soon?

ZACK: I might kill myself instead.

NAOMI: Oh, okay then! Bye, Zack.

ZACK: Bye, Naomi.

And that’s what happened!

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  • meghan

    You know, usually when fanfiction makes me laugh as much as this one did, that usually means it was just awful to a point of comedy. Thanks for helping this Bones fan make light of such a suckish situation!

    But I still miss Zach!

  • Tani

    Thank you so much for pointing out yet another huge flaw in this Zack The Apprentice Of Gormogon’s story — i.e. the refusal to kill even bugs.

    That aside:
    This seriously cracked me up! Thx for the laugh.

  • mmj

    Why ZAck as to kill himself? I realy dont understant