Contributed by guest author Johnson Jones
Each week, Johnson Jones answers your questions about relationships, dating, sex and anything else that has to do with chicks. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org to get your question answered next week.
Hi. I’m a 24-year-old virgin because I’m ashamed of my small penis. My penis is only three inches rock hard. Do you have any tips on how to make my penis bigger? — Small Willy in Alabama
Funk that noise, son. First of all, you can’t artificially grow your junk. Forget about that — it’s all a scam. Secondly, while I absolutely have no first-hand knowledge of this, you can reel in a dime even though you’re packing a Vienna sausage. Get a good job, make money, learn how to eat cat and no chick in her right mind will care if you’re working with a toothpick or a Louisville Slugger. Some chickenheads may talk like they only want footlongs but flash some green, make her scream and you’ll be swimming three inches deep before you know it.
I got drunk and woke up next to the neighborhood slut. Even worse, there was no condom in sight. What should I do? — Alex in Fort Worth
Sounds like you done messed up. First up, pray she don’t get pregnant on you. Then, put your sword on ice for a bit. You don’t wanna go infecting the whole town. Even if symptoms don’t show up, get yourself tested. And finally, put a damn condom in your wallet and only roll with homies who won’t let you get burnt by indiscriminately stabbing while drunk.
I really, really, really, really want my girlfreind [sic] to get breast implants. What should I do? — J.P. in Ohio
Bro, don’t even attempt to travel down that avenue. It’s a losing proposition. She’ll get pissed and hold it against your dumb ass forever. I suggest either to learn to love her itty bitty bits or to move on to a fresh catch. I know in your mind this sounds like a great idea but it’s not. Even if you have the money, even if you suggest it kindly, even if SHE has talked about it in the past … just don’t go there. Trust me. I’ve learned the hard way. If she’s going to get breast implants, it’ll be because she wants it. Don’t interfere unless you want to risk five finger across your face and a dry spell that will make the Sahara look inhabitable.
Johnson Jones is our resident expert on the fairer sex. He’s always walking around here with a new one on his shoulder. The guy knows his stuff.