Ask EveryJoe: Help! I Think She’s Ruined

Posted in Women
Thu, Apr 4 - 12:22 pm EST | 6 years ago by
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Johnson Jones answers your questions about relationships, dating, sex and anything else that has to do with chicks. Contact him at askeveryjoe@gmail.com to get your question answered.

Hi, I’m talking to this girl on the internet. We haven’t met yet but everything is going good. I do have one issue though …… we started talking about past sexual partners. She said she has only been with one guy. That’s fine. But she said he had a 9 incher! I’m starting to have second thoughts about meeting her. What do you think? — M.T. in Michigan

Whoa, slow your roll, lil homie. You gots a few things going on here. First of all, if she’s prowling the internet for dudes, her number ain’t one. I hate to break it to you buddy but you need to know what you’d be getting into. Secondly, chicks are terrible at measurement estimates. Unless she whipped out a ruler in bed, you can go ahead and ignore that approximation. She’s probably just talking junk. But even if she’s telling the truth, the elasticity returns within a few months. Or at least that’s what my exes report.

My girlfriend demands that we cuddle for at least an hour after doing anything. Any tips to get out of this? — Brandon in Massachusetts

Ah, the marathon cuddler. That can certainly be annoying. Luckily, your problem can be solved with some careful planning. Before you get it poppin’, make sure there’s no free time available afterwards. For example, before work or her favorite TV show will do the trick. Another tip is to hit it right before dinner. She won’t force a cuddle session if your stomachs are a-growlin’. If she does, you can command her to get up and make you a sandwich. You’ll either get a slap or a sandwich — either way she’ll be off of you.

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Previous Johnson Jones advice columns:
Help! My Wife Switches Positions Too Much
Help! No Backdoor Entry Allowed
Is My Penis Too Small?
Help! My Wife Stopped Wanting Sex
Curvy Latina Ate My Gum

Johnson Jones is our resident expert on the fairer sex. He’s always walking around here with a new one on his shoulder. The guy knows his stuff.

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