Johnson Jones answers your questions about relationships, dating, sex and anything else that has to do with chicks. Contact him at email@example.com to get your question answered.
Maybe you can help. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years and we’re set to get married in a few months. Everything is great other than one thing. I’m not really interested in sex anymore. However, my girlfriend begs me for sex every day. At first it stroked my ego but now I’m just annoyed. How do we become more compatible? — D-Stew in New Hampshire
There ain’t no such thing as a great relationship that lacks sexual chemistry. It just does not exist. So before you run off and get married, you need to figure this out. If you can’t ramp up your sex drive, you’re in trouble, dawg. If your girlfriend is still thirsty three years in, she’s going to remain thirsty for the foreseeable future. And if she can’t get it from you, she’ll go out and get it somewhere. It sounds coldblooded but if I were you, I’d dump this one and go out and find one of the many chicks who don’t care at all about sex.
Dear EveryJoe, I was single for a long time and developed a really weird fetish of looking at pictures of dragons having sex with cars in order to … you know … please myself. Now I have a girlfriend and I can’t get hard. She can’t possibly live up to my epic fantasy. HELP!!! — Matthew in Alabama
Wow. Dragons having sex with cars is one even I’ve never heard before. But I ain’t one to judge. Everyone has got that inner freak — your inner freak just involves dragons and cars. What you should do is incorporate those pictures into your sex life. Start with a few tame pics and work your way up. You’ll be surprised to find that your girlfriend is supportive. Firstly, ladies typically don’t get threatened by drawings. Second of all, she’ll prefer a few naughty cartoons over trying to resuscitate Mr. Floppy in vain.
Previous Johnson Jones advice columns:
I Cheated on My Wife and Got Burnt
Help! Her Room Smelled Like a Shrimp Boat
I Caught My Girlfriend in Bed with a Man
Help! I Think She’s Ruined
My Wife Switches Positions Too Much
Help! No Backdoor Entry Allowed
Is My Penis Too Small?
Help! My Wife Stopped Wanting Sex
Curvy Latina Ate My Gum
Johnson Jones is our resident expert on the fairer sex. He’s always walking around here with a new chick on his arm. The guy knows his stuff.