Johnson Jones answers your questions about relationships, dating, sex and anything else that has to do with chicks. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org to get your question answered.
So, I’ve found out that my wife is cheating on me. I put a secret camera in our bedroom and it turns out she’s banging her ex-boyfriend while I’m at work. But instead of being mad, I’m actually turned out. In fact, every night I masturbate to the footage of those two having sex. Is this weird? — Skip in Boston
Uh, yeah man, that is def strange. Most men would look to grab a shotgun in a similar circumstance. You grab your penis. But, listen, there’s no reason to manufacture drama simply because you think it’s what society expects. As long as it doesn’t bother you, go ahead and let it continue. If and when you tire of another man stuffing your wife, kick her two-timing ass to the curb and then get those videos ready to use as bargaining chips during the divorce.
I have this new girlfriend who loves giving me blow jobs — but only in public! It’s great and disturbing at the same time. When we drive by a park, she’ll have me pull over so we can get out and she can go down on me. But in my bedroom, she acts like my penis spits battery acid. How can I get her to bring that outdoor passion into my bedroom? — Anonymous in California
Easy solution. First, invest in an HD webcam. Then, sign up for one of those websites where pervs watch other pervs have sex. Finally, turn on the cam and — bam! — your girl will be salivating. She’s one of those chicks who needs a hint of naughtiness to get in the mood. Pro-tip: Invite over some of her friends and then make moves. She’ll be dragging you into the bathroom to get freaky in no time. If you’re lucky, she might blow you right there in front of her friends.
Hey, EveryJoe. Can you give me some advice? My wife is a kindergarten teacher who never curses or raises her voice. She’s literally an angel. But when I looked at her search history on her laptop, I was shocked. She watches more porn than I do! And it’s all interracial gangbang porn. I love her and she’s perfect in every aspect but this really bothers me. What should I do? — Edward in Toronto, Canada
Bro, no sweat. It sounds like you got yourself a good wife. Don’t do anything stupid. Let her have her slice of freakiness in her life. That gangbang porn could just be her way to blow off steam so she can keep her innocent appearance to the outside world. Stop snooping on her laptop and let her keep doing what she’s doing. That said, be wary if large groups of men routinely visit your home while you’re away.
Previous Johnson Jones advice columns:
Should I Stop Hiring Hookers To Kick Me in the Groin?
Wife is Cheating While I’m at War in Afghanistan
My Wife Won’t Stop Twerking
Help! I Can Only Get Off With Help From Reddit
What Should I Do About My Drunk Girlfriend?
Help! My Manhood Points Due South
My Wife Talks in a Pirate Voice When She Climaxes
Help! Mismatched Libidos Ruining My Relationship
I Cheated on My Wife and Got Burnt
Help! Her Room Smelled Like a Shrimp Boat
I Caught My Girlfriend in Bed with a Man
Help! I Think She’s Ruined
My Wife Switches Positions Too Much
Help! No Backdoor Entry Allowed
Is My Penis Too Small?
Help! My Wife Stopped Wanting Sex
Curvy Latina Ate My Gum
Johnson Jones is our resident expert on the fairer sex. He’s always walking around here with a new chick on his arm. The guy knows his stuff.