Dear Single Mothers Celebrating Father’s Day

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Fri, Jun 19 - 10:00 am EDT | 3 years ago by
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Kiraspondence - Dear Single Mother on Father's Day

Dear Single Mothers Celebrating Father’s Day:

Stop. Just stop. This is my biggest pet peeve every year when Father’s Day rolls around. My social media feeds are clogged with self-righteous posts from angry mothers, sad mothers, defiant mothers proclaiming for all to see, “Happy Father’s Day to ME because I’m the momma AND the daddy!”

Every time I see or hear something like that it makes me cringe. One Father’s Day I was standing in a very long line at Church’s Chicken (a line that should have been moving way more quickly than it was considering all they really sell there is fried chicken, which seems like it should be easy to keep producing) when a woman came in, stepped to the back of the line and proceeded to yell at the top of her lungs, “Happy Father’s Day to all you daddies in here! Happy Father’s Day to all you men!”

A few men murmured a quick “Thank you, sister” and smiled in amusement at her volume. “And me!” she added, still yelling. “Happy Father’s Day to me cuz I’m momma AND daddy! I ain’t never needed no man! I’m momma AND daddy!”

A few men respectfully objected.

She insisted everyone else was wrong and turned to me (the only other woman in line at the time) for support, but I had to disappoint her. I shook my head in agreement with the others. “No. I’m sorry. You’re probably a strong mother, but you can never be a daddy. Daddy is a man’s job and only a man can do it.”

What followed is NSFW but I can tell you she was not impressed with any of us, so much so that she left without even ordering. One of the men told me, “Thanks for saying that. I don’t hear women say that much these days. It’s nice to know some women understand that being a daddy is a special job.”

And he’s right. Being a daddy is a special job, reserved for men. I know these days we’ve been having an increasingly bizarre conversation about gender but just for poops and giggles let’s pretend thousands of years of human history and evolution carry more weight than reality TV stars, and assume that male and female are still legitimate gender categories. The truth is this simple – women can’t be fathers. It’s not because of sexism or patriarchy. It’s not because they are awful mothers. It’s because in order to be a father, you must have a penis that produces sperm and then fertilizes the egg of a woman. It’s biological.

You might be an amazing mother, a strong mother, an outstanding mother to rival all mothers who came before you… but you will never be a father.

There is a reason it takes two people of the opposite gender to procreate. Each gender has its own unique gifts to offer, and when they work in harmony, they create a wonderful balance for a family. A man cannot teach a girl how to be a woman. The very thought is offensive! He knows nothing of what it’s like to develop breasts or start a menstrual cycle. He doesn’t understand how a woman’s brain works, what emotions she feels and how she views the world. He can’t, because he’s not a female.

Likewise, no woman can teach a boy how to be a man. She can teach him what she thinks makes a good man, but she can’t know what it feels like to be a boy turning into a man. She doesn’t understand how the male brain works (good grief, how many conversations have you had about how differently men and women think?!). She doesn’t know why a man does some things and not others.

In turn a man teaches a young girl how to expect to be treated by other men as she matures. A woman can fill in some of the gaps with experience and advice, but I can tell you from my own intimate experience… there is no woman who is man enough to fill hole left when a father abandons his children.

A mother can’t be a father because she’s not a man.

I think it is cruel and harmful to let your kids hear you say you are both “mother and father.” It negates their feelings of loss. It tells them they should just be satisfied with your version of “fatherhood” and that hole they feel in their heart is their own fault for not being able to be satisfied with just you. Don’t devalue their very real struggles to fulfill your pride.

I am constantly amazed at how many great single mothers are out there busting their butts to work and raise decent human beings at the same time. You have my utmost respect. You deserve every accolade and word of encouragement you get and I hope your children grow up to know the extraordinary sacrifices you’ve made.

Don’t sully the equally extraordinary sacrifices fathers make by insisting their contribution is no different from your own. I’m sorry if you’ve been hurt or burned. I’m sorry if you’re the one left to pick up the pieces and try to guide these children alone. It’s not fair and I’m sorry. But don’t take it out on all the fathers who are there for their kids, some of whom aren’t even biologically theirs. There are great men out there who deserve a day – just one day, just like moms get – where everyone in the country just takes a few moments to say, “Thanks, dads! Your job is unique and you matter.”

Just let the men have that. It doesn’t take away from your “Mother of the Decade” status and it doesn’t let deadbeat dads off the hook. It’s simply recognizing that good fathers are out there, and they matter.

Sincerely,

Kira, your friend and fellow hard-working mother

 

Kira Davis is a writer, video blogger and homeschool mother of two. She has interviewed President Obama and appeared on Fox News, The BlazeTV and the Dr. Phil Show. Kira is a dog person but she owns a cat anyway. You can find her on Twitter @RealKiraDavis.

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  • Karen8477
  • Bordeaux Vixen

    meh

  • MarkM

    100% in agreement. Well said.

  • CC

    Kira, if you were here and this conversation came up, you KNOW I would have something to say!! So here goes: I will now and forever celebrate this day too. The key word is ‘too’. I am not trying to be a ‘man’ yet I have had to take on the responsibility of one because the man who fathered my children failed to uphold his part of this here bargain. Do I wish him Happy Father’s Day? Hell no! Do I wish my Father and my brother and my significant other Happy Father’s Day? Hell yes! I no longer bash deadbeats, or hate men and I give props to those who are doing right by their children. Can create a child by myself? NO! But I can create a decent human being with the help of the special men and father figures in my life. Will I ever go into a Church’s Chicken and toot my own horn? No. But i will quietly honor myself on this day for not giving into the system, for being that parent that has taught my girls how to change a flat tire, check their oil, hell freaking change a toilet and still give men the time of day! With much love and respect I do agree with most of things your wrote here, but sometimes It’s like Oprah trying to tell a parent how to raise their child… live an aspect of my life for one day…

    • Synthovine

      You had your day on Mother’s Day.

      You are not a man. You are not a father, and you are selfish for wanting to be treated on Father’s Day, a day to respect men.

      You make women look pathetic, self-centered, self-entitled, and it continues to grow daily in the media: the demonization of men, boys, fathers, and how important all three are to the continuation of society.

      You are the type of woman that makes women look bad, and you will never be a father, no matter how much you want to be.

    • http://smugfrog.blogspot.com/ Smug Frog

      “yet I have had to take on the responsibility of one because the man who fathered my children failed to uphold his part of this here bargain”

      So you take responsibility by shifting it on someone else? Do you not see the supreme irony in your own moronic statements?

      Listen, idiot: You are just as much responsible for being a single mom as he is. 1. You either drove him away or 2. YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DECISION MAKER. You made a child with a loser. That’s on you.

    • http://fnd.us/c/4t1xc/sh/d47iL4 Wendy

      Uhmm… everyone has problems. Sometimes it ends in a sad divorce. – Sometimes it’s mutually agreed. Sometimes Both parents “say” they will still uphold their end of the parenting “partnership.” But,’ Sometimes … the “other” parent just phases out. Never heard from again. SOMETIMES it’s that absent parent Who Was NEVER expected to be a “loser…” I Know you were talking to someone else here, but in my case & after 8 years… I am still Shocked by his absence. Never in a million years did I expect he would just flake out and leave these kids fatherless. I refuse to take blame for him doing that. If he had a problem with me that is no excuse to abandon & punish his children. He did that . Not me , nor our children. Just all of us left Shocked & heartbroken. It is on him.

    • http://smugfrog.blogspot.com/ Smug Frog

      You didn’t expect it because you are a poor judge of character. Take responsibility for fuck’s sake.

      “I refuse to take blame”. I hear that a lot from women. You are at least half at fault for your single motherhood.

    • wynd

      You mean to tell me you haven’t changed throughout your life? If not, then you have a problem. People DO change, and sometimes, men change into something that we never expected them to… so no, I will not take the blame for his changes. I’m not saying women don’t change and cause this type of situation! I’m not saying that I didn’t change, because that would be foolish and unrealistic. So, just because I picked a man who was wonderful and loved and lov-ing, married him for 10 years and after 7 and our newest baby only months old… he decides that the “responsibility is too much” and he “can’t handle it.”, well… I’m sorry man, but I DO refuse to take blame for his stupid, selfish actions. My whole point was that this lady was right with the OP…. I said above, HEY! You changed my mind on this subject! Great work :) But you Smug Frog, sorry to say it, but you are overly sensitive and closed minded if you refuse to see both sides. I am not anywhere near Half at fault. I didn’t want the divorce and I didn’t want him to start physically abusing the kids like he did to me (after 7 years of being married to a GOOD man)… alcohol… that was his downfall… he grew a larger “taste” for it as the years progressed and yeah… sometimes that can change a good person into a mean one. Don’t be so closed minded please. I am only saying that SOMETIMES, it’s not so “cut and dry” as “being a poor judge of character” or “half at fault.” Maybe I’ll take a 1/4 responsibility since I complained about his drinking getting out of hand and his anger issues… Just be real. Men and women are different and women shouldn’t put themselves in the place of man or vice versa in a marriage. So, open up to the possibility that everyone’s relationship failures can’t be rolled up into a tight little ball of equal blame…because that’s a poor judgement in itself for fucks sake.
      I refuse to take the blame for him leaving his kids. period. period. exclamation point! Thanks for your thoughts, I hope you have better luck in the future… sounds like you’ve been wronged and are very bitter. I’ve been able to move on…(it’s been 12 fucking years, I’d hope so… ) but the OP just made me see something that I have done over the past 3 or 4 years… and that was simply saying, ” HEY! I think I too deserve the Mothers/Fathers Day blessings, because I’ve had to be both!” I “changed” my mind :) Cuz… people change… Her article helped open my eyes and I truly hope that yours are opened too that not every situation relates to yours or those that you have known about. Many might be, … but not all. Wish you the best and I’ll not comment anymore on this because it sounds like you just have a problem with women and have been burned… so you’re angry. I don’t wanna deal with that, but I understand your views.
      God bless!!

    • http://smugfrog.blogspot.com/ Smug Frog

      Listen, you can’t be a father. I’m sorry if that hurts your feels. And no matter how ass-pained you get about it, you are 50% responsible for your present situation.

      All you are doing right now is proving blogs like Return of Kings 100% right.

    • wynd

      I am suffering no butthurt, thanks :) But… apparently you are. Lol. I’m being perfectly rational and honest. Something you are incapable of I see. Good day asshat :)

      EDIT: Oh and btw… are you even bothering to actually read what I’m writing? Or… perhaps you don’t have the capacity to understand?

      Getting out of hand … for no reason…. buh bye now

    • http://smugfrog.blogspot.com/ Smug Frog

      Cool story. But you still aren’t a dad no matter what kind of tantrum you throw.

    • wynd

      Duh :P and not throwing tantrums. Lmao

    • wynd

      yet. hahahahahhaa :)

    • Gina

      yes you are

    • Gina

      when you say “buh bye” it means you officially have to shut the fuck up.

    • southrnbelle

      Blame the victim.
      YOU are the reason women hate men.
      I would really like to know your situation, sitting in your mother’s basement masturbating with a jar of peanut butter.

    • http://smugfrog.blogspot.com/ Smug Frog

      lol what an amateurish response. How about you learn to take responsibility like an adult? Or are you admitting that women are not adults, but children?

      And the only women that hate men are the disgusting 500 lbs. ham-beasts with donut crumbs on their mega plus sized blouses.

      Lose weight, fatty.

    • southrnbelle

      HA!

      This coming from someone who is represented by a frog.

      Are you a frog, little one?

    • http://smugfrog.blogspot.com/ Smug Frog

      Ribbit

    • John Hancock

      Confirmed: She’s the typical fat slob feminist. You’re right.

    • Gina

      being a victim doesnt mean you have no other fault whatsoever. sure. you got left. so fucking what. you chose him. own up to your shit.

    • southrnbelle

      Do you kiss your Grandmother with that mouth?
      How very sad for you.

    • southrnbelle

      Try reading my post again, if indeed you can read.

      I did not get “left.”

    • southrnbelle

      I did not write he wants nothing to do with me, he wants nothing to do with HER, his beautiful daughter, so I am her mother AND father.

      We do not need him.

    • http://smugfrog.blogspot.com/ Smug Frog

      But the child needs a father. Stats show your kid is more likely to be a messed up miscreant without one

    • John Hancock

      Honey, with all due respect, there are things a woman can’t teach that only a man can and vice versa. If you believe otherwise you’re demonstrating a staggering amount of ignorance and insecurity.

    • John Hancock

      Well, then you have a penis. Good to know!

    • Gina

      no its on you because you assumed he would be around and you know what they say about assumptions.

    • Jaden

      I think you said it beautifully. In no way did I think you were trying to toot your own horn or steal anyone’s thunder, Hence the word “‘too’”
      No disrespect to actual father’s. Single fathers deserve more respect as well, IMO. If Bruce Jenner can be a “woman” then you can appreciate taking care of your responsibility on any day you like.

      I personally am a single mother, I take full responsibility for making a baby with a complete loser, that is my bad decision made. I would never expect anyone to tell me “Happy Father’s Day”. If someone was to say that to me? I would politely say “Thank you” and go on about my day. When Mother’s Day rolls around and I hear others tell single father’s “Happy Mothers Day” do I act like a whiny brat and get all offended? Hell no, because it doesn’t take anything away from what I’m doing. I’m still a mom.

  • Jones

    I feel this article is a bit outdated because nowadays it doesn’t have to be a man and a woman per se to make a couple. There are all male couples and all female couples and trans-gendered couples and all sorts of combinations couples. They can all have children too. Usually they just adopt children the so called wonder couple (a man and a woman) don’t want or are to busy to care about after having made it. It’s all good though. Time will catch up with us all.

  • LorraineMGunter

    All time hit the everyjoe Find Here

  • LorraineMGunter

    All time hit the everyjoe Find Here

  • southrnbelle

    So where is the father of YOUR children, and what little “Fairy Tale” planet do you live on?

    The father of my only child wants nothing to do with her. He is a selfish jerk who has never even seen her.

    For 16 years, I am the one who paid the bills, kept a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food in the kitchen. I am the one who assembled all her bicycles and playhouses. I am the one who fixed her broken dolls and toys. I am the one who taught her the facts of life and the way a man is supposed to treat her. I am the one who taught her how to manage her money, be ambitious, and choose a career. I am the one who inspired her self-esteem, courage and determination.

    I AM MY DAUGHTER’S MOTHER AND FATHER!

    So what are a woman and child to do when the father doesn’t want to be around, kill themselves???

    My mother was killed in an automobile accident when I was 9-years-old and I was left alone with an abusive father to fend for myself. What was I supposed to do? Jump in the grave with her?

    Your article is horribly condescending to women and same-sex female couples. Typical.

    Children need LOVE. It doesn’t matter whether it comes from the mother or the father.

    As usual, you conservative republicans think everybody lives in this perfect little world with the mommy and the daddy and everything is just so peachy-keen.

    That is not in YOUR world and it’s not in MY world.

    GROW UP!

    MY DAUGHTER DOESN’T NEED A FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    SHE HAS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • wynd

      I’m sorry for your losses.. :-( That’s a tragic life… But it sounds like you are doing all that you can to make it a great one for your daughter! I’ve done the same for 2 sons and a daughter… now they are 25, 16 and 14… I feel really bad about the fathers decision to “phase” out of their lives like he did… But I’ve done everything you speak about also, with no help from him including child support… most of all… mental support (fatherly support) for ALL the children. I’ve done the best I can, but I can’t be everything for them… and that is the “father”… I can try, but like the OP says… I’ll never be able to instill that “manliness” into my boys, or the love that a daughter inherently has for their fathers…. I just lost my own father in February… (my parents divorced when I was four…a hundred years ago! Lol) But, he was always there to get me on weekends and always helped my mom financially… he was the best and I am sooooo saddened because my children will never have that. We are good people… and the children do NOT deserve to be abandoned no matter HOW STUPID the mother is… it’s NOT THEIR FAULT! Men, get that through your heads!!! (same for single dads btw!!)
      As my daughter has reached the age of 14… I know she has me… and I understand that, that CAN suffice… but in reality… if I am super honest… she does (did) need a father… and I regret that she didn’t have the same kind of fatherly love that I did :-( But she WILL BE OKAY!!!! :D I hope! I do the best I can…. and that is ALL we can ever do. Right? Love and light and blessings to you

    • Gina

      boo fucking hoo

    • John Hancock

      No. You’re. Not.

    • John Hancock

      Keep telling yourself that. :)

  • http://fnd.us/c/4t1xc/sh/d47iL4 Wendy

    Wow… Can I say that I was wrong? I’ve said this to my kids (semi-jokingly) over the past 8 years their dad “disappeared” into thin air. . I am a strongwoman and I do have to “play” both mom & dad; but you are right… I can’t ever truly be a dad to my boys or even my daughter . It’s my 1st fathers Day without my father, Who passed away this past February. I’m heartbroken in so many ways… But he was a dad.. and I was so lucky to have him for 45 years . My Kids only had theirs for 6, 8, & 12 yrs and that was only when he ”felt like” Coming around once or twice a year… I feel So sorry for them for Not having him … I REALLY WANTED to try and be both for them. But… You’re right and Very well said! Thanks for the story. changed…

    • http://smugfrog.blogspot.com/ Smug Frog

      A woman can never be a father. Don’t delude yourself and don’t sell fairy tales to your children like that. It’s being dishonest.

    • wynd

      My point exactly :) Thanks Frog!!

  • John Hancock

    Nice. Well said.

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