If you’re looking for part 1, it’s right here.
In the first installment, I took it upon myself to help the progressive left alter the lexicon we use on the daily so that it’s more politically correct and digestible by the public at large. I mean, we can’t just have people going around and calling people terrorists. What if that terrorist isn’t white?! That’s racist! To recap a couple…
Instead of terrorist, we say “Peace-Challenged World Citizen.”
And what about calling someone fat? Overweight? Obese? Do you know how many mommy kisses would be needed to heal the wounds inflicted upon those feefees? You can’t say that! Who do you think you are? Nicole Arbour? Reality from South Park?
Instead of fat, we say “Beautifully Rotund.”
See. We’re already making the world a more boring place. No edge means no cuts, right? I mean, except for those “free speech” lovers who try to use the original words after we’ve made them taboo. We’ll crucify them socially and professionally, until they can’t step outside without having the proverbial first stone chucked at them from our high-minded high horse atop our moral high ground.
But why stop at just one article? There are new causes we need to drive the narrative for, and more control we could exert without passing laws. Horror of horrors, people are still just saying whatever they want! Can you believe that’s still allowed? I mean, so many people want the First Amendment repealed because sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can express disagreement. That’s way worse.
So let’s continue our crusade against language by creating more fun ways to make you shut the f*ck up.
Migrant Rapist: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You can’t just say that. You might indict an entire people by speaking out, and we’d be forced to call you racist. We have to be delicate with words. Do you want people to hate all minorities? Do really feel like painting an entire race with a broad brush of heinous crimes? That’d be awful. Besides, white men have been raping women since time immemorial. Why aren’t we talking about white people? Still, something must be done to help these poor migrant men understand what’s up. As the mayor of Cologne, Germany suggested, they just need to be taught what constitutes happy behavior. Instead, let’s use… “Pre-Integrated Cultural Participants.”
See, they’re just not integrated yet. They just need to be taught not to rape and let their culture melt on into ours. Obviously not too melted. We want their culture preserved because God forbid they start adopting behaviors resembling the white male populace in the countries they fled to for shelter – away from the elements of their culture that created the extreme ideology they fled from.
Gamers: Ugh, is there any group more vile? According to people who were gamers all of five minutes before releasing videos about how repulsive video games are, these people are worse than Peace Challenged World Citizens. Go ahead. Say something negative about video games and gamers. They will actually ARGUE with you…with facts! Completely ignoring emotional arguments that up until now we’ve used to silence people! This is harassment of the worst kind! People like Milo Yiannopoulos, Oliver Campbell, and Liz Finnegan have been driving gays, minorities, and women out of gaming for eons, making it into a straight, white, boys club. Thing is, gamers are dead. It’s no longer just a group that belongs to the dregs of society. We need a new title for anyone who picks up a controller, or makes little directional swipes on their iPhone to crush pieces of candy. How about “Diverse Virtual Adventures?”
Now we’re leveling up! No more “go home gamer girl” vibe here. It has the word “diverse” in it too, so you know it’s good. I can just see the faces of the “Goober-Gaters” when we roll in and PC the holy hell out of their hobby with this title. Soon, we’ll be able to brow-beat the entire industry into making games only we approve of. No more sexy female characters, or strong macho male characters, or Ms. Male characters, or characters that don’t have a female version, or characters that don’t respect women, or characters with violent intent, or characters that rescue women, or women that need to be rescued. Just real diversity.
Gun Control: Look, we don’t want to take away guns, we just want to severely restrict them in any way possible while praising countries with mandatory buy-back programs, and ignoring statistics that say most gun related violence is done via gangs and suicides. Now, we’ve already dabbled in the softening of our language when it comes to the actions we’d like to take in regards to restrictive control of assault kill rifle guns. We’ll call passing laws that do the restricting “common sense reform,” or “reasonable gun laws.” Still, something about the term “gun control” feels too…well, controlling. This is America, a country descended from rebels. The word control is pretty frowned upon here. We need to edge that Overton Window just a little slower. We’ve tried to sell it as “gun safety,” but it’s hard to use that term on people actually own them, and use safety measures already. So let’s try “Offensive Weapon Softening.”
I’m super proud of this one. It has everything a progressive wordsmith could love. Starts with a scary word like “offensive,” add a dash of nebulous subject, and finish with a word that reminds you of pulling a fluffy towel fresh from the dryer. We’ll have the uninformed public eating out of our hands with this one. Who doesn’t want to soften our nation by getting rid of offensive weaponry? Children need soft spaces, right moms? What if America was a big soft place…like a cloud…with no offensive weapon in site. Just keep 911 on speed dial, and everything should work out if police arrive soon. By the way, we’re about to bring in thousands of Pre-Integrated Cultural Participants, so make sure you keep away from public places and lock your doors, BUT SOFTENING!
Feminism: You heard Emma Watson. Feminism has become a dirty word, frowned upon by millions. Apparently, it’s so bad that only 18% of Americans consider themselves feminists. Despite our insistence that wanting equality of sexes means you are feminist, people just aren’t falling in line. This is bad news. Feminism is the needle by which we inject social justice into the bulbous ass of America. If it goes, we’ll have to come up with another overarching movement that we can use to intersectionalize political correctness. Do you know how much time and money that costs? News outlets will have to adopt all new lingo, speeches from political and cultural leaders will have to be written day and night, and Hollywood will have to Goebbels the hell out of the silver screen. Political correctness costs billions. Trillions if you count global efforts. Hell, Sweden isn’t just spending money, they’re sacrificing women’s security to the altar of politically correct feminism by defending the Pre-Integrated Cultural Participants whenever they accidentally rape. Did I say sacrificing? I meant securing. Anyway, we need to rebrand it. Feminism has lost too many battles on too many fronts, and progressive PC needs a new mask to wear. We need something no one can disagree with and people will be afraid to reject without sounding like a neo-Hitler. I suggest “Equality Advocate.”
Feel that? That’s the feel of a social checkmate. I can hear it rolling off of Maddow’s lips now. Clinton’s quiver just got a new arrow – the sharpest yet. Huffington Post writers are already getting hot under the collar thinking about it. Vox is fixin’ to do some splainin’. No one can disagree with equality advocacy. It’s the AR-style-15 gun rifle at the knife fight. You’ve done all you can feminism, but now you’ve worn out your usefulness. Make way for equality advocate.
Have your own ideas? Leave them below in the comments.
Photo by Jim Vallee/Getty Images
Hailing from Austin, Texas, Brandon Morse has been writing about politics and culture across many websites for the last six years, with a heavy emphasis on anti-authoritarianism. Aside from writing articles, he is also known for voice acting and authoring scripts. He is an avid gamer, dog person, and has a bad habit of making vague references to things no one has heard about or seen. Follow him at @TheBrandonMorse on Twitter.
Click through the gallery below to read more from Morse in his previous EveryJoe columns:
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