To paraphrase the immortal words of LFO, “I think it’s fly when blockbusters stop by for the summer.” Yes, it’s about that time again, folks: summer movie season is upon us. No, the sunny season doesn’t actually begin for a few more months, but the summer movie season officially begins in April because Hollywood is all-powerful.
This means that moviegoers will be bombarded with a steady stream of mega franchises, explosions, CGI and conveniently placed cleavage until August. All in all, that’s not too bad; who doesn’t love a good summer romp? But sometimes, not even thinly veiled sexual innuendos and gratuitous violence save a truly shitty movie. So without further ado, here are five summer blockbusters that are going to suck.
The Fate of The Furious (April 14)
I don’t care if Furious 7 made $1.5 billion at the box office; popularity does not equal quality. There’s a reason the high school quarterback is always a dumbass in every movie.
I give the Furious franchise a ton of credit for reinventing itself as an adrenaline soaked action fantasy that runs on diesel fuel, close ups of female butts and The Rock (who is Beyonce for boys and can do no wrong). But at what point do these You-Won’t-Believe-This! stunt movies start to feel dumb? Answer: this point.
I’m all for some mindless fun, but it’s time to hit the brakes on this franchise.
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (May 12)
When was the last time director Guy Ritchie made a through and through no-doubt-about-it good movie? I’ll tell you when: 2000’s Snatch. Almost every one of his films since then has been the cinematic equivalent of the shrug emoji (¯_(ツ)_/¯).
This modern retelling of the classic King Arthur story looks like Snow White and the Huntsman did a few lines of blow in the bathroom of a club and tried to fight the bouncer when they got caught. Call me crazy, but a CGI wet dream is not my idea of a good movie.
The Mummy (June 9)
I really, really want to make fun of this trailer…But I’m just too haunted by whatever it is Tom Cruise is doing while he tries to scream. Seriously, go to the 1:13 and 1:29 marks of that trailer…Guys, I don’t think Tom Cruise has ever experienced real fear in his life.
Transformer: The Last Knight (June 23)
Alternate titles for this movie:
- Transformers: The Last One Please God Be The Last One
- Transformers: The Last Time We Let Michael Bay Direct. Ever.
- Transformers: I Miss Objectifying Megan Fox In These Movies
- Transformers: Paramount Pictures Is Holding On By A Thread
- Transformers: Who Knew Shia LaBeouf Would Be The Least Crazy Thing About This Franchise?!?!
Personally, I’m going with my main man Shia. Dude’s a legit cannibal.
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (July 21)
Listen, if I wanted to eat mushrooms and watch Avatar, I’d call my dealer up, sprinkle some shrooms over a pepperoni pizza, and do it. Why do I need an entirely new movie to scratch that itch for me?
I’m not saying Valerian doesn’t look cool from a visual standpoint because it absolutely does. Seriously, I think Pablo Picasso’s ghost just bitch slapped me across the face. But I need more from a movie than just trippy images and the poor acting duo of Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne just isn’t doing it for me.
Don’t miss our choices for the best summer blockbusters of 2017!