7/25 WWE SmackDown Part One: Ring My Bell Blake Lively

WWE SmackDown Live Blog, Part One

M.V.P. holds a V.I.P. Lounge with Jeff Hardy.
Shelton Benjamin def. Jimmy Wang Yang
Jesse and Festus def. Ryder and Hawkins

Segment One
M.V.P. is tired. His V.I.P. Lounge is even tired-er. His guest, on the other hand, is the best-est of the best: Jeff Hardy! The Ultimate Thrill Seeker seems to be taking some chances with his hair color which has shifted to a grandmother-worthy blue. M.V.P. announces the night’s Main Event: a huge Battle Royale with seemingly every SmackDown superstar.

Jeff Hardy wonders how M.V.P. can be so confident despite the fact that he’s become a jobber. M.V.P. then insults Jeff Hardy’s house fire which REALLY REALLY crosses the line. If he mentions Jeff’s late dog then I am going to hunt M.V.P. down. Oh, no he didn’t! He did mention Jeff’s dog Jack. I am stopping this live blog now and going to the Harrisburg train station to get a ticket to Philadelphia’s Wachovia Center.

What’s that Mrs. Jabandgrapple? “They filmed this show on Tuesday, M.V.P. is long gone.” I retort, “But we have tickets to this Tuesday’s ECW/Smackdown taping in Hershey. I’ll get him then!” She counters, “Sure you will honey, sure you will.”

Hardy beats me to the punch and hits M.V.P. himself. This segment was far too personal and ire-inducing for my taste. MY BLOOD IS BOILING! ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH.

Then a Gossip Girl preview comes on and my anger dies down. I love that show. My accompanying picture? It’s Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively and a dog, in loving memory of Jeff Hardy’s Jack.

Segment Two
When Mr. Jabandgrapple’s personal favorite Shelton Benjamin earned the U.S. Champion belt he wasn’t interested in him fighting people like Jimmy Yang Wang, the redneck Asian. Benjamin pins Wang Yang before I can life my head from my computer.

After the match Edge attempts to congratulate Hawkins and Ryder on their Tag Team Title but the Edgeheads ignore and ostracize their former idol. It’s all too sad for words. What did Edge do to deserve this? Mrs. Jabandgrapple offers, “Well, he cheated on his bride with the wedding planner and then violently Speared her on their wedding night. And not in a good way.”

Oh. I stand corrected.

Segment Three
New Tag Team Champs Ryder and Hawkins prove that unless you’re wrestling singles in the WWE than your title means nothing. This ain’t TNA Impact! thank heavens. The Edgeheads are facing Jesse and Festus or rather one insane and powerful wrestler and his diminutive handler. We really miss you Road Warriors and Wild Samoans.

Festus easily pins Zach Ryder but doesn’t gain the belt because it’s not a title matchup. The bell rings, Mick Foley makes an Anita Ward reference (great great song; the youngsters might know it as a Fresh Prince sample), and Ryder and Hawkins predictably beat up on the poor simpleton Festus.