7/29 WWE RAW Results: A New General Manager

RAW Results and Commentary

Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix def. D-Lo Brown and Kelly Kelly
Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, Jr. def. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole
Kofi Kingston def. Jamie Noble
CM Punk def. William Regal
Mickie James def. Jillian
Batista and John Cena def. JBL and Kane

Last night RAW crowned a new General Manager. Someone to stop the anarchy and the lawlessness. The expectation was a Gary Cooper, a Governator, a John Wayne, or even (gasp) a Gipper. But we all should have seen the writing of the wall. Chaos has been good for business. RAW’s ratings are up and fans are interested again. Too bad the show’s quickly taken a post-Draft second fiddle to SmackDown.

The night started with the unbelievable promise of a John Cena vs. Batista main event. The two Grade A Superstars wanted to get it on. The were ripe — Cena in a new red V-neck Cenation T-shirt and Batista in a fresh Wes Unseld Washington Bullets throwback — and ready for action. It’s the match everyone has been waiting for and desperate to see.

But the new GM, in his infinite wisdom, thought differently and matched the boiling feuders in a tag team contest against JBL and Kane. Great match turned into boring match in the blink of the new GM’s eye. 0 for 1 already.

After the next match’s Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix steaming too-hot-for TV-PG love fest (OK maybe not) Hacksaw Jim Duggan ran to the ring to face Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, Jr.. Barf-o-rama. Then his tag team partner was announced: Jerry “The King” Lawler. My interest perked up. As Pavement would say “Fight this generation!”

Alas, even that somewhat, kind of OK matchup wasn’t to be. The new GM stepped in and replaced Duggan with announcer Michael Cole. At this point I turned to Mrs. Jabandgrapple and said “I bet Jim Ross is the new GM. He’s the only one who has beef with Michael Cole!” But I should have thought harder. The person making these matchups clearly doesn’t have much wrestling knowledge. (BTW, I think the picture to the left tells us what happened to Carlito. He’s now in the NBA!)

The King did well against the young whippersnappers but at one point he accidentally brushed against his announcing/wrestling partner and Cole was then forced into the ring. Bad news man. Bad news. And we’re not just talking about the fact that the whole match was grappled without an announcer accompanied only by ambient sounds.

King returned to ringside after the match to find Mike Adamle at his side. The former NFL-er was even more mistake prone than usual which provoked Jim Ross himself to rejoin Lawler. The glorious two were reunited, for at least one night. Throughout the night they teased Adamle relentlessly about his wrestling knowledge. Which was fun.

The JR-Lawler re-teaming wasn’t the best part of the night. That was the unexpectedly fun and roughhouse return of William Regal who gave WWE Heavyweight Champ CM Punk everything he could handle (and a real-life bloody nose as well). Regal looked great despite eventually getting pinned in what is Punk’s first non-DQ-related TV win since gaining the title ages ago. Battered and bloody does not a champion make. But we did like the post-match Minor Threat in deference to the bout’s DC environs.

The rest of the night was pretty blah. Kofi Kington looked good and dominant (take note Punk) in a Jamie Noble beat-down. Mickie James hugged her dad at ringside and was as perky as ever in defeating Jillian and the Batista-Cena-JBL-Kane tag team was as horrible and uninteresting as imagined.

But it did lead into the most anticipated news of the night…Who is the new GM?

Mike Adamle. Which explains the bad matches and the Michael Cole vendetta. Have they finally found a way to keep him off the ECW air? Making said liability an even more prominent member of your staff doesn’t strike me as the best way to get rid of him. I’ll give it a chance but I think I liked anarchy better.