A Sewer Thing

– Texting Teen Falls Into Open Manhole, Raises Stink That City Left Hole Unattended —

Verizon Wireless today released a transcript of the text messages from Staten Island teen Alexa Longueira who walked into an open manhole while texting.

Although, if you listen to Alexa, it wasn’t really her fault.

The texting teen laid responsibility for the accident squarely on the NYC Department of Environmental Protection saying, “”It was just really gross and it was shocking and scary,” she said. “Because of their careless mistake I got hurt.”

The following text messages from Alexa to her bff Kaitlyn detail the harrowing story of yet another phone-obsessed teenager who’s life has, uh … gone to waste:

Alexa: OMG, Kaitlyn. I’m in deep sh*t!

Kaitlyn: Y? Did ur mom find out you gave Ricky oral after the prom?

Alexa: No! I mean literally. I’m in deep sh*t. I don’t know what happened. I was walking along an the next thing I know I’m up to my neck in raw sewage.

Kaitlyn: No way!

Alexa: Way. WTF am I gonna do?

Kaitlyn: How long can you tread water for?

Alexa: IDK. maybe 5 minutes max if I keep txting…

Kaitlyn: Where are you?

Alexa: I’m not sure. I started txting when I left my bedroom so I could be in my own basement…but I don’t recognize any of the stuff floating around me.

Kaitlyn: Do you want me to call 411?

Alexa: Don’t you mean 911?

Kaitlyn: duh! ur obviously OK so it’s not like it’s an emergency. We need to call information to find out what to do when someone falls into an open sewer drain.

Alexa: I don’t think it’s happened to anyone over the age of 3 before. What am I gonna do?!

Kaitlyn: Try to stay calm and yell real loud. There must be someone around who can help. And take some video with your phone..we’ll get like a million hits on YouTube.

Alexa: I won’t be able to show my face at school for like a month!

Kaitlyn: Don’t be silly. This’ll take waaay longer than a month to live down. The incoming freshmen will talk about this at their graduation.

Alexa: I’m so screwed…

Kaitlyn: You won’t be when everyone finds out where you spent the afternoon. LOL

Alexa: K, there’s more bad news I need to tell you…

Kaitlyn: OMG! Is the water rising?

Alexa: No. Worse. I was wearing that good sweater you let me borrow…

Kaitlyn: I hope you drown, bitch.

And somewhere up in heaven, a wry smile formed on the lips of Charles Darwin.

-

“Can somebody puh-leeze help me find my iPhone?”

-

Image: Zuma Press

-