Alton Brown for President (An Interlude)

The Republicans have picked their nominee, and the Democrats are well on their way, but it isn’t too late for third party and independent candidates to throw their hats into the ring. That’s why I’d like to take a moment and make a bold suggestion:

ALTON BROWN FOR PRESIDENT

That’s right – the Food Network’s Alton Brown (AB) should run for President. Before you scoff at the idea, let’s take a look at some of his strengths as a candidate:

1. He has strong name recognition – at least as good as Ralph Nader’s among younger voters.
2. He can claim strong connections to the people of three major regions (and their delicious electoral votes): he was born in Los Angeles, went to college at the University of Georgia and culinary school at the New England Culinary Institute, and now lives in Georgia. This gives him the strongest California connection of any major candidate, and given a) his Southern style of cooking; b) his residence in GA; c) his religion (see below); and d) Southern evangelicals’ discomfort with John McCain, AB might actually be able to contest the South.
3. As a member of the evangelical Johnson Ferry Baptist Church, he has strong religious credentials that could help him carry the evangelical vote nationwide.
4. He is married, has one daughter, a dog, and a lizard. Impeccable family credentials. In fact, my extensive research indicates that no previous high-profile presidential candidate has owned a lizard. Reptile-owners may be an as yet untapped demographic, and I’m willing to be they tend to be independents.
5. His personality has something for every major demographic: For the male vote, is a motorcycle aficionado and he likes grilling; for the soft-issue family values voter, he’s a cook, so he can focus on his dedication to traditional family issues; women will like that he works with his wife, who is involved in the production of Good Eats; patriotic voters will enjoy that his favorite food is the cheeseburger; for voters concerned about international affairs, well, he has as much international experience as Clinton or Obama, and more management experience than either.
6. Based on Feasting on Asphalt 1 and 2, he is capable of keeping up an intense campaign schedule, and can sit down with a wide range of voters, from alligator farmers in rural Louisiana to police officers in California.
7. As a popularizer chemistry and other sciences, he is likely to be popular with the growing scientific lobby, which has spent the last eight years frantically protesting the Bush administration’s tenuous relationship with science.
8. Who do I want answering the red phone at 3:00 AM? The guy who can calmly juggle volumes of obscure information while managing to follow the frenetic pace of an Iron Chef, his challenger, and their buzzing minions of sous chefs. AB’s a guy who won’t panic under the pressure. And after he fires the missiles, he’ll make sandwiches for the Joint Chiefs.

But no candidate is perfect. Among AB’s potential weaknesses:

1. In a published interview, he said: “Actually, I owe a great majority of anything I’ve done to a Frenchman.”
2. On one episode of Good Eats, he said that grits and polenta are basically the same thing. Although that’s true, you’re not supposed to say it. It’s like saying that today’s college graduate are never going to see a penny from Social Security – it’s true, but you just don’t say it. (On the other hand, this tactic could give McCain’s “Straight Talk Express” a run for its money.)
3. He has said that he doesn’t like NY cheesecake, which could hurt him in the Empire State. But he did do a whole show on corned beef, so that might balance it out. Either way, he is unlikely to win NY if Clinton gets the Democratic nomination.

So there we have it. Alton Brown for President. The only question is – who would make a good running-mate?