Appetites: Why We Supress Them and Why We Should Stop
November 17, 2008 by Kelly Turner
Filed under Fitness
I went to the library, hoping to find some workout DVDs because I can’t bring myself to buy any. I found 1 Billy Blanks Tae Bo and then one that looked like it was filmed and produced in someone’s basement. I wandered over to the books.
I always go for nonfiction because I like to learn. I’m not a big “reading for leisure” person. There, I found Caroline Knapp’s Appetites: Why Women Want. And what a find it was.
Caroline’s book examines women’s appetites, why we feel the need to supress them, and how we can embrace our appetites in a world that tells us “no”.
Appetite is not only used in regards to food. Appetite refers to everything women want, but are told that we shouldn’t: food, sex, material possessions. We are always told not to want too much and supress out appetites: don’t eat too much, you have to keep a slim figure, don’t talk about your sexual appetite, you’ll sound like slut, etc.
Its no wonder we abuse these things.
So why do we have an appetite for what we do? An appetite is a longing we are driven to fulfill. We eat to become full. What is fullness? Gratification, satisfaction, pleasure.
When you think about it this way, its obvious why people abuse food.
Anorexics, bulimics and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) shun food, ie: gratification, satisfaction and pleasure, because they feel they don’t deserve it. Instead, they take pleasure in depriving themselves of these feelings, to take control of the fact they cannot achieve real happiness. If you feel you don’t deserve to eat, or feel pleasure, then atleast you can control your own misery.
The overweight, binge eaters, and the obese desperately search for those feelings of gratification, satisfaction and pleasure. If they don’t or can’t gain those feelings through their own self worth, relationships, or self image, they can simulate those feelings of gratification, satisfaction and pleasure through food. Its short lived, however, and ends in feelings of guilt, which leads them right back to the fridge to rid themselves of those feelings once more.
And there are those in the more innocuous middle. Those that feel that any indulgence, ie: gratification, satsifaction and pleasure must be earned and any weakness is grounds for punishment. Those that will only allow themselves to have dessert if they run 5 miles, those that add another 30 minutes of cardio to make up for yesterday’s second helping, those that eat whatever they want one day, and then starve the next as punishment. Everything has to be this perfect balance of strength and weakness, calories in and calories out, restriction and overcompensation.
My favorite quote from the book says:
“One woman’s tub of cottage cheese is another’s maxed-out MasterCard; one woman’s soul-murdering love affair is another’s frenzied eating binge. The methods may differ, but boil any of these behaviors down to their essential ingredients and you are likely to find a particularly female blend of anxiety, guilt, shame and sorrow, the psychic roux of profound- and often profoundly misunderstood-hungers.”
When I was younger, I went through a Bible-thumping phase. I sat up late and night and highlighted the heck out of my Teen Bible. But as I read, and prayed and reflected, I felt worse and worse about myself. Everyting I read about desires, and sexual thoughts, and envy and lust had me convinced I was going to hell. The more I supressed those feelings, the more I thought about them, and the more dpressed and ashamed I became. No matter how hard I prayed I couldn’t stop thinking about boys and sex. I was 14 years old for Christ’s sake. I began to think, “how can a god that gave me these feelings, these hormones, these thoughts, then punish me for them? How can he design me in this way and then use it against me?” It was then I put my Bible away and never picked it up again.
Women have so many more opportunites than we did 100 years ago. We can vote, go to college, hold jobs- more doors are open to us than ever before. We are equal; we are entitled; we are human. Why do we continue to be ashamed of and supress our most human desires?
Don’t forget to enter this week’s giveaway!
grounded fitness, fitness, health, yoga, pilates, strength training, personal trainer, cardiovascular, cardio, exercise, wellness, weight loss, blog, blogging, fitness blog, weightloss blog, appetite, sex, hunger, credit, hormones, body image, Appetites: Why Women Want, book, Caroline Knapp,
Wow, GREAT post. Very eye-opening, as so many people shun the mere subject- like you said. It’s so much of what our society has created as the ‘ideal’ what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. When I was in treatment I would always I felt I was eating ‘wrong’ and I needed to learn how to eat ‘right’. I compartmentalized, just how it is pounded into our brains these days. When really there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. It only makes way for reward or punishment- feeding that cycle. You really have to stay aware and consciously redirect your thinking. It’s definitely hard, but worth the fight!
-Caroline
Yes, but how do we not do these things? That’s the magical question I never seem to get an answer to :(
Hey Kelly,
I can only speak from the other side of the coin, but as far as men go, we tend to ignore expressing any feelings that display weakness because that is what society expects of us, same as women with regards to hunger.
Do you think that society as a collective conscious simply cannot function without women acting as women should and men acting as men should?
Thanks for the post!
All the Best,
Andrew R
Fantastic post. That book looks really great too. Such a good quote!
Your thoughts that made you put away the Bible are ones that we all need to remind ourselves about. We ARE just human, and we need to recognize that. Once we do we’ll be a whole lot happier and capable of so much more!
ALERT: I know Im going to get the “if we just ate whatever we wanted we would be fat/unhealthy/unhappy” arguement, but perhaps if we didnt label things good or bad, or restrict and overcompenstae we wouldnt feel the need to eat everything in sight or crave bad foods. perhaps this is what a healthy relationship with food is: dont wig out about it all the time and you wont constantly want fast food and ice cream and anything else you can shove in your face.
caroline- its kind of funny how backwards we are and donty even realize it. I’ll read maybe 1 “men dont like women who eat salads” article for every 1000000 “how to cut calories/stop eating/curb cravings article, and even then- why are we using men!!? why isnt it “dont eat a salad if you dont want to?” why do we do everythig for everyone else? and when we dont-we feel guilty about it?
Diana- ah, a question for the ages. I did it last night. I had ice cream. I got that- was that too much? feeling, or the “i need to work this off” and thought NO! i can have ice cream. the only thing bad about it is the guilt I ALLOW myself to get afterwards. so I shoved the thought out of me head, and guess what? i enjoyed it, promptly forgot about it, and didnt wake up 10 pounds heavier.
Andrew R- first you have to define how they “should” act. Its hard for men because they cant appear weak, but women have to appear weakER, without being weak. Atleast you guys have an extreme to work with- we have to strike that perfect balance.
I think women like a lot of it though. I like being taken care of, and having doors held for me, and feeling safe, but i hate a lot of it too. If i have a strong opinion Im automatically a b*tch and I get dismissed a lot because I’m a girl in professional situations (my age doesnt help either). I think the first step is eliminating how much we supress OURSELVES and worry about society later.
Sagan- we cant be perfect all the time. and I think thats fun. It fascinates me when i completely forget to do something ive been thinking about all day. How does that happen? I just BLANK sometimes, and instead of beating myself up, i really just think: weird, you really cant control everything because sometimes your mind will just completely wipe it from your brain.
Great post Kelly. It’s really got me thinking:
I think it’s the very nature of the human species to supress. I think it’s what separates us from the animals. It gives us a conscience, gives us compassion, gives us strength and gives us morality. I imagine if we didnt supress our feelings on sex, we’d be shagging every person in sight! lol If we didnt supress our feelings of anger, we’d kill more. If we didnt supress our feelings of fear, we’d probably need a lot more therapy…..etc!
I guess what i’m trying to say is that supression isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However religion, as per your bible, takes it all too far! Governments go too far. Parents go too far. Teachers go too far. They teach us to suppress our very core and we end up over compensating in other ways with the things we ARE allowed to express!
I think, like anything, there is a balance to be had…….
Tusc :o)
That book sounds very interesting (although I am the opposite in terms of loving fiction). This is a very thoughtful post– I keep rereading bits of it.
so true. i think we all have our vices, and it’s so unfortunate this world that we live in :( it needs to change, for our (kids) future… here’s to one blog at a time :)
I was going to say something smart about balance but then tuscanystone said it better than I could. I’ll just second their thought. Great post.
Great post and great question. I only had a dietitian who asked me of women, “What do you think that woman could do if they didn’t spend so much time worrying about what they look like or what they eat.”
No one had every put it so bluntly that spending this much time on obsessing about food or exercise was a waste of time. Sure, be healthy and workout, but obsessing or basing your complete self worth on the number on a scale is completely wasted energy.
Where was this book during my expensive liberal arts education? I could have used it for like 10 of my research papers. So interesting and so true.
I have had the same thoughts about God and decided to just alter my vision of what God wants from me. So, now I’m worshipping a non-judgmental God instead, and it’s a much happier religion for me.
I adored that book, her writing is beautiful, and heartbreaking, and your thoughts on it brought it all flooding back…great post Kelly.
This seems like a really great book, I am going to have to take a look at it.
Great post, too!
I never thought about it that way- interesting and so true! I want to rent some workout dvds. I don’t know where our library is (how sad is that?) I need to get on that!
i think this is a really interesting post but really true! im going to have to check out that book soon.
Great post Kelly and so true!! I think that we are our own worst enemy. I know when I went through my eating disorders I wasn’t any happier about my weight then I am now. It’s amazing what our minds can conjure up.
Well-written Kelly. I sent this to my brother, who is still clinging to the guilt-mantra we grew up with. Amen to the bible thumping and highlighting.
such a good point kelly.
it’s, for me, embracing and fulfilling the desires.
when it’s crappetite (poptarts? oreos?) for me that isnt really a desire…either mindless or emotional.
I think a lot of the hang ups we have in life we inherit from our parents. When I started realizing that, it is a little easier to walk your own path.
For the last 2 years, my dad has been complaining about my weight. During that time period, I really have not gain much weight. I would get really upset each time I visit my parents. But one day, when I really looked at him, I realize it is not about me. He is upset that he is slowly starting to gain weight. Once I made that connection, it made me realize that a lot of “my problems” are not really my problems at all. I am very happy with my life. I just tend to forget that when I visit my parents.
I read that book a few years ago, and I remember that I really liked and related to it. (I’m with you on the nonfiction reading, too!)