Firstly, thank you to the fan who brought the “Big Papi? More like Big Poopie!” sign. You, sir, are a hero. While I am immensely disappointed in myself for not coming up with that scatological nickname — indeed, I’m disappointed that I haven’t even heard it before — I am pleased that you, fan with Big Poopie sign, brought it to my attention. It is so delightfully immature that no one could take legitimate offense to it. Even though Ortiz hit a towering home-run, I could still chuckle at the Big Poopie sign, and it made another ugly Tigers loss a bit more tolerable. Speaking of that Ortiz home-run, I also have to thank the stereotype fulfilling Massholes in our section. Thank you for turning around and drawing... [Read more]

At around 3 this afternoon, Jake Long’s name will be called as the first pick in the NFL Draft. His already negotiated contract makes him the highest paid tackle before he even plays a down. And one time he helped load drywall into my Dodge Intrepid. My roommate Joe and I were at Fingerle lumber, an Ann Arbor institution and constant source of dirty puns. We had to replace some drywall and a door at our house before our upcoming city inspection. The relative urgency of our inspection kept us from procuring a truck, and we were left with only my sedan to transport a full sheet of drywall and a pre-fab door to our house. This is where Jake Long came to our rescue. He was our assigned warehouse employee, and helped us strap the door to the... [Read more]

This weekend, the wildly anticipated NBA playoffs began. And while there were some great games, for me, the lasting image is half-Kobe-half-Shaq lecturing me on fear. Though the commercials have been around for a while now, they’ve received heavy rotation during the playoffs. I actually thought the commercials were pretty neat, if a bit unsettling. I was especially impressed how they managed to sync up the speech from each player to create an odd stereo effect. I was noting this when my friend brought their eyes to my attention. They blink at the same time! Ahhhhhh! Don’t believe me, check for yourself. Now, some unanswered questions. Firstly, why didn’t you believe me? And were these blinks choreographed? Was there some... [Read more]

Travis Hafner has a fantastic nickname. It’s not one of those silly abbreviation nicknames. No, no T-Haf here. No sir, Travis Hafner is Pronk. In the minors, Hafner had two nicknames: Project and Donkey. Project Donkey already being a successful reality show on Bravo, the two names were combined to the sublime Pronk. I find Pronk to be an especially entertaining nickname because it kind of seems like a dirty verb. Pronking just sounds like something one wouldn’t do in polite society. To my delight, the always outrageous Onion News Network has examined the versatility of the word Pronk. It’s hilariously Pronk-surd. Congress Debates Merits Of New Catchphrase [Read more]

Earlier today, it was reported that the Dolphins were talking to both Jake Long and Vernon Gholston. Miami has since denied that they were talking to Gholston. Miami still might talk with Gholston, along with Chris Long and Glenn Dorsey. As of right now, though, they are only officially negotiation with Long. The choice between Jake Long and Gholston is an interesting one, as it is rare to see the number one selection come down to two players who played against one another. Oh. [Read more]