Speaking of that Ortiz home-run, I also have to thank the stereotype fulfilling Massholes in our section. Thank you for turning around and drawing attention to yourself after every Red Sox run. Thank you for standing and trying to get the attention of the Tiger dugout girls who were throwing out free t-shirts, even though we were a full section away and those girls couldn’t throw farther than 20 feet. Thanks for making it that much easier to keep up my irrational hatred for you and your brethren.

On that note, thank you fan who threw peanuts at the aforementioned Red Sox fans, which, in a convoluted turn of events, led to their eventual dismissal from their seats. And thanks to you, overzealous seating attendant. You may have prevented my group from upgrading to the Tiger Den, but you taking your job so seriously was the catalyst in expelling the Sox fans. Great work.

Big Poopie, ha ha, great stuff.

Post from: EveryJoe

Many Thanks for the Fans Who Surrounded Me at Last Night’s Tigers Game

My roommate Joe and I were at Fingerle lumber, an Ann Arbor institution and constant source of dirty puns. We had to replace some drywall and a door at our house before our upcoming city inspection. The relative urgency of our inspection kept us from procuring a truck, and we were left with only my sedan to transport a full sheet of drywall and a pre-fab door to our house. This is where Jake Long came to our rescue. He was our assigned warehouse employee, and helped us strap the door to the top of my car and stomped the drywall in half so it would fit into the trunk. And now he’s the first overall pick in the NFL draft, and I’m writing about it for a blog. So, basically, what I’m saying is, “Can I borrow some money?”

Post from: EveryJoe

Jake Long at the Lumber Yard

Now, some unanswered questions. Firstly, why didn’t you believe me? And were these blinks choreographed? Was there some sort of blinking coach on set, yelling “Blink,” at designated intervals? If these blinks weren’t scripted, then is there some sort of natural blink response during pauses?

The rest of the ads in the series feature more creepy synchronized blinking. Also, be on the look out for the amalgamated word “Bordan” in the LeBron/KG commercial.

Post from: EveryJoe

NBA Ads *Synchronized Blink* Haunt My Dreams *Synchronized Blink*

To my delight, the always outrageous Onion News Network has examined the versatility of the word Pronk. It’s hilariously Pronk-surd.

Post from: EveryJoe

“Chairman, That is Pronk-rageous”

Oh.

Post from: EveryJoe

Dolphins Start Contract Negotiations With Jake Long

Image details: Protests Erupt As Olympic Torch Relay Winds Through San Francisco served by picapp.com

The Olympic Torch arrived in San Francisco yesterday. As expected, there were a bunch of protesters. The torch was rerouted to avoid anti-China hordes. Many of the protesters waved Tibetan flags, even one of the torch-carriers had a Tibetan flag on his wrist. Now, Sen. John McCain has joined Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hillary Clinton calling for President Bush to boycott the opening ceremonies in Beijing. Most of this outcry stems from the recent Chinese reaction to Tibetan protesters.

This all seems very bizarre to me. China’s been jerks — huge jerks — to Tibet for years. “Free Tibet” is a running gag on the Simpsons, for Pete’s sake. Just now we’re getting all upset about this? And the solution is for President Bush to piss off the likely irrational leaders of a monstrous, growing economy with a completely empty gesture that will likely have no effect on the practices of the Chinese government. It’s not that I think China’s in the right. I just don’t think any Olympic boycott is going to do any good (and could possibly do bad.) We’re going to trade with them, but not attend their big outdoors interpretive dance-off. That will show them.

I also think it’s interesting that this whole boycotting the Olympics thing was dead in the water when it was about China basically being complicit in the whole Darfur genocide, but once they start cracking down on monks in neat robes, well, that just couldn’t stand.

Post from: EveryJoe

People Seem to Be Worked Up About This Whole Olympics Thing

“It would be hard to pass up, I guess,” he told the Biloxi (Miss.) Sun Herald. “But three months from now, say that presents itself, I may say, you know what, I’m so glad I made that decision. I’m feel very comfortable in what I’m doing and my decision.

“Yeah, I can probably be up there doing that and playing, but again, I don’t know. It’s only speculating. I think the world of that team. I had a lot of fun, not only this year, but over my career.”

But if Aaron Rodgers went down with an injury?

“Aaron has fallen into a great situation,” Favre said. “And if that opportunity presented itself and they did call, it would be tempting. And I very well could be enticed do it.”

This could be quite dangerous for Mr. Rodgers.

…translating…

…translating…

Destroy Aaron Rodgers.

(Note: this command may also come from local dogs.)

Post from: EveryJoe

Actual Meaning Translator: What Packers Fans Hear Edition

Post from: EveryJoe

SUPERintendent Chalmers

Vick, a three-time Pro Bowl quarterback who is currently serving a 23-month prison sentence in Leavenworth, Kan. for financing a dogfighting ring, is playing football in prison, Falcons owner Arthur Blank told the New York Daily News.

“He is staying in shape,” Blank told the Daily News. “Apparently, there was a prison football team and he played quarterback for both sides.”

Whoa, wait. They’re letting Vick play all-time quarterback? Are they not allowed to watch the NFL in prison? That’s cruel. And unusual.

Post from: EveryJoe

Hold On, I Have Great Idea for a Movie

Post from: EveryJoe

A Message From the Guy in Your Fantasy Baseball League Who Already Has Johnny Cueto