– New Pay-For-Content Site Is Modeled After Donner Party Pioneers – Beginning this week, Newsday, the Long Island newspaper New York city commuters choose as a last resort for something to read on the way to work in the event their train station newsstand doesn’t have the NYTimes, the NYPost or a three-month-old copy of Tiger Beat, announced it is moving to a pay-for-content web model. A spokesman for the paper described the new model, which will attempt to charge five dollars a week ($260/year?!) to customers who aren’t subscribed to the Optimum Online cable system or the newspaper, as a “pioneering Web model.” The “pioneering” web model is modeled after another famous pioneering venture, the... [Read more]

– Obama Tells Cheney To Stop Talking Like Somebody’s Grandmother – Former Vice President Dick Cheney suggested President Obama “do what it takes to win” in Afghanistan. Which is some pretty strange advice, given the fact the U.S. hasn’t “done what it takes to win” any conflict in the last 50 years. Cheney also chastised the Administration and said, “The White House must stop dithering while America’s armed forces are in danger.” In a brief reply, the White House suggested Cheney “stop talking like somebody’s grandmother” and “tend to his own knitting.” In a wide ranging interview, the former Vice-President also said he felt the country needed to... [Read more]

– Wal-Mart Fires ‘Asset Protection Officer’ For Chasing Down Shoplifter — Josh Rutner was a unique Wal-Mart employee. He took his job seriously. Josh was tasked with being an “asset protection officer” for the gigantic retailer. So, when a customer bolted on the check at Wal-Mart’s food counter and then ran out of the store with 43 dollars worth of golf balls in his pockets, Josh chased the thief down in the parking lot and held him until police arrived. They held an employee awards ceremony for Josh the next day and rewarded him for actually giving a rat’s ass about the company by giving him a pink slip and, as a special bonus, a lifetime ban on working for the company again. Ever. Wow.... [Read more]

– Jail Officials Become Suspicious Of Inmates’ Sudden Interest In Tennis – Prison officials at the Orleans Parish Prison in Louisiana have served a number of warrants on people who were using tennis balls to smuggle contraband drugs to inmates by lobbing the balls over the walls of the prison. Guards became increasingly suspicious as inmates abandoned their traditional interest in basketball and weightlifting to suddenly start training as ball boys. Prisoners explained they had donned sport shirts with a huge Polo logo on the back and were chasing tennis balls as rehabilitation and training for jobs at next year’s U.S. Open Tennis Championship. The plot to smuggle drugs was discovered when the relative of one of the prisoner’s... [Read more]

– Say Dorothy Never Left Kansas, Scarecrow and Cowardly Lion May Have Been Professional Actors – In a reversal of previous statements, Kansas police say they now believe the entire story of Dorothy Gale, the young girl who claims she was denied a return ride to her farm by a wizard in a balloon, was a hoax. “After studying Miss Gale’s body language and that of other farm hands involved, we have concluded the young lady made the entire story up,” said county sheriff Al Jimerden. “We felt further investigation was warranted when Dorothy mentioned a talking scarecrow, but we could not discount the possibility of someone with advanced knowledge of animatronics playing a trick on her,” said the sheriff. “But... [Read more]