This is going around. I didn’t write it but I think it’s pretty funny. Hope you agree… CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer BULL MARKET – Statements made by banks to get you to buy their stocks BEAR MARKET – A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market plunges BROKER — What your broker has made you STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell STOCK ANALYST – The shrink who’s treating your depressed financial advisor STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife... [Read more]

Not Sure I Actually Still Have Two Cents…  The Senate has passed the latest Wall Street bailout costing $700 billion.  That’s a lot of money.  That’s like what Meg Ryan spends on collagen. The Securities and Exchange Commission has temporarily banned short-selling, the practice of making TV commercials featuring Gary Coleman. You can breathe a sigh of relief now because it looks like the crisis gripping our nation is ending.  No, the stock and credit markets aren’t settling down.  More important: Microsoft is pulling those Bill Gates-Jerry Seinfeld ads. The U.S. Mint has unveiled new designs for the penny to celebrate the 200th anniversary of Lincoln’s birth and the fact that a penny is what your savings is now worth. Two-thirds... [Read more]

Worth More in Canada? Worth Less in Canada? Pretty worthless anywhere… Business News: Investment bank Lehman Brothers is filing for bankruptcy, Bank of America is bailing out Merrill Lynch, and the Fed is bailing out AIG which means global investors are losing confidence in the stability of financial institutions collateralized by mortgage-backed securities and are seeking to enhance liquidity and mitigate the volatility affecting equity and debt markets or… the economy’s in the crapper. JetBlue has put a bunch of vacations up on eBay, with opening bids set between 5 and 10 cents. The trips include three and four day packages but the airline advises you allow three to four days to sit on the tarmac. Political News: John McCain picked... [Read more]

Worth Less in Canada Later this fall, General Motors is releasing new, more fuel-efficient versions of its full-size pickup trucks and SUVs.  Finally, a Hummer that gets eight miles to the gallon. China is set to overtake the US next year as the world’s largest producer of manufactured goods as a result of the rapidly weakening US economy and apparently strong demand for poison toys. A Vancouver woman says that she was asked to cover up while breast-feeding during a recent flight on WestJet when the flight attendant told her some men find the sight of a bare breast offensive.  When most men see a woman breastfeeding, they’re not offended, -they want to get in line.  And given the cutbacks on in-flight service, this might be the only way... [Read more]

Worth More in Canada Next month, Dunkin’ Donuts will add a new slate of “better-for-you” offerings. Better for you? What’s not better for you than carb-laden dough deep fried in fat? “I’ll have a large coffee and a steak.” The head of the Pittsburgh Cancer Institute is warning that cell phone use might cause cancer. Cell phone makers are warning that living in Pittsburgh might cause cancer. In a new survey, almost half of respondents say they are “addicted” to e-mail. Seems weird but I know I personally can’t go two hours without checking to see if I’ve heard from Mr. Nkoko, the lawyer for the Nigerian oil billionaire who wants me to help give his money to charity. I mean, if I wanted worthwhile causes to give my... [Read more]