CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET – Statements made by banks to get you to buy their stocks

BEAR MARKET – A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex

VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower

P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market plunges

BROKER — What your broker has made you

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell

STOCK ANALYST – The shrink who’s treating your depressed financial advisor

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

Post from: EveryJoe

Financial Terms

Not Sure I Actually Still Have Two Cents…

The Senate has passed the latest Wall Street bailout costing $700 billion.  That’s a lot of money.  That’s like what Meg Ryan spends on collagen.

The Securities and Exchange Commission has temporarily banned short-selling, the practice of making TV commercials featuring Gary Coleman.

You can breathe a sigh of relief now because it looks like the crisis gripping our nation is ending.  No, the stock and credit markets aren’t settling down.  More important: Microsoft is pulling those Bill Gates-Jerry Seinfeld ads.

The U.S. Mint has unveiled new designs for the penny to celebrate the 200th anniversary of Lincoln’s birth and the fact that a penny is what your savings is now worth.

Two-thirds of U.S. corporations and foreign corporations doing business in the U.S. paid no federal income taxes between 1998 and 2005.  According to the congressman who ordered the study, “It’s shameful that so many corporations cheat the American people.  That’s Congress’ job.”

On her trip to NY, Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin met with Henry Kissinger, Afghan President Hamid Karzai, and Colombian President Alvaro Uribe.  Then she shot them, and skinned them.

A new poll shows that 18% of likely voters don’t know what they’re going to do on Election Day.  But then, 90% of politicians don’t know what they’re doing every day.
 
Because of a misprint in a NJ telephone book, callers who wanted to reach a county political committee instead got a phone sex line.  Not so far off.  Politicians, especially in Jersey, end up screwing you.

German police arrested two terrorist suspects on a plane bound for Amsterdam.  Holland is a top target for Islamic terrorists because a Dutch guy made a movie that uses verses from the Koran and implies they promote violence.  Apparently, this is considered a major insult.  In other words, we’re not terrorists and if you say we are we’re going to blow up your country.

Tokyo is a fashion capital so it’s not surprising that they recently held a fashion show, but this one was for adult diapers.  According to one of the organizers, “Diapers are something that people don’t want to look at.”  True, but mostly they’re something people don’t want to smell.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed a bill that would have penalized California drivers sharing the driver’s seat with dogs or other animals.  So, you can still cruise the freeway with Marilyn Manson in your lap.

Annoying illusionist David Blaine completed a stunt in which he hung upside down in Central Park for 60 hours.  Doctors say this could lead to Blaine’s blindness, paralysis, even death.  If we’re lucky.

Post from: EveryJoe

My Two Cents

Worth More in Canada? Worth Less in Canada? Pretty worthless anywhere…

Business News:

Investment bank Lehman Brothers is filing for bankruptcy, Bank of America is bailing out Merrill Lynch, and the Fed is bailing out AIG which means global investors are losing confidence in the stability of financial institutions collateralized by mortgage-backed securities and are seeking to enhance liquidity and mitigate the volatility affecting equity and debt markets or… the economy’s in the crapper.

JetBlue has put a bunch of vacations up on eBay, with opening bids set between 5 and 10 cents. The trips include three and four day packages but the airline advises you allow three to four days to sit on the tarmac.

Political News:

John McCain picked as his runningmate Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, a woman whose daughter is going to be a teenaged unwed mother.  Sound like a Democrat… or a celebrity.  In an interview with ABC News, Palin didn’t seem to know what the Bush Doctrine is.  But then again, neither does Bush.

Al Franken has won the Democratic primary in Minnesota so he will run against Republican Norm Coleman for a seat in the Senate.  It’s not so weird to have a comedian in the Senate.  We already have a clown in the White House.

A 19-year-old University of Oklahoma freshman was elected the mayor of Muskogee, Oklahoma.   Next year, he’ll be the Republican nominee for president.

Celebrity News:

Michael Jackson recently turned 50.  Of course, his nose only made it to 38.

Inexplicable celebrity Lauren Conrad has inked a 3-book deal to write fiction for HarperCollins.  Hear that?  That’s the sound of English majors everywhere hanging themselves.

Jack Nicholson, Jon Bon Jovi and Shaquille O’Neal are among 30 nominees to the New Jersey Hall of Fame.  The others are politicians who will be moved to the Hall of Fame directly from prison.

Seriously???:

A 71-year-old Cincinnati preacher was driving to First Commandment Church of the Living God when another driver cut him off.  So the preacher chased the other driver then waved a gun at her and threatened to kill her.  When Jesus said, “Turn the other cheek,” I didn’t realize he meant, “Turn the other cheek so you can get a better aim.”

The Catholic Church is unhappy with a new book, “101 Places to Have Sex Before You Die,” that encourages couples to sneak into church confessionals to have sex.  Apparently, the Church doesn’t want anyone else using the priests’ special place.

A Florida man was walking his dog in the nude.  When police asked him what he was doing, he answered, “Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog.”  He was then sent for mental-health evaluation and treatment because obviously no deity would make him watch a Bruce Willis movie.

Post from: EveryJoe

My Two Cents

Worth Less in Canada

Later this fall, General Motors is releasing new, more fuel-efficient versions of its full-size pickup trucks and SUVs.  Finally, a Hummer that gets eight miles to the gallon.

China is set to overtake the US next year as the world’s largest producer of manufactured goods as a result of the rapidly weakening US economy and apparently strong demand for poison toys.

A Vancouver woman says that she was asked to cover up while breast-feeding during a recent flight on WestJet when the flight attendant told her some men find the sight of a bare breast offensive.  When most men see a woman breastfeeding, they’re not offended, -they want to get in line.  And given the cutbacks on in-flight service, this might be the only way to get a beverage.
 
John Edwards is now admitting he had an affair, a story that was broken by the National Enquirer – a true story in the National Enquirer.  Next week, look for some actual facts on Fox News.

Two-thirds of U.S. corporations and foreign corporations doing business in the U.S. paid no federal income taxes between 1998 and 2005, according to a new report from Congress. “It’s shameful that so many corporations make big profits and pay nothing to support our country,” said Sen. Byron Dorgan, D-N.D., who asked for the study.  “Only Congress is supposed to cheat the American people.”

Post from: EveryJoe

My Two Cents

Next month, Dunkin’ Donuts will add a new slate of “better-for-you” offerings. Better for you? What’s not better for you than carb-laden dough deep fried in fat? “I’ll have a large coffee and a steak.”

The head of the Pittsburgh Cancer Institute is warning that cell phone use might cause cancer. Cell phone makers are warning that living in Pittsburgh might cause cancer.

In a new survey, almost half of respondents say they are “addicted” to e-mail. Seems weird but I know I personally can’t go two hours without checking to see if I’ve heard from Mr. Nkoko, the lawyer for the Nigerian oil billionaire who wants me to help give his money to charity. I mean, if I wanted worthwhile causes to give my money to, I wouldn’t seek advice from a foundation or non-profit, I’d go straight to Sarit-AT-PrincessOfComedy.com.

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Post from: EveryJoe

My 2 Cents

A federal appeals court threw out a $550,000 indecency fine against CBS for the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show that ended with Janet Jackson’s breast-baring “wardrobe malfunction,” saying the Federal Communications Commission, “acted arbitrarily and capriciously,” in other words, “like the government.”

The court found that the FCC deviated from its nearly 30-year practice of fining indecent broadcast programming only when it was so “pervasive as to amount to ‘shock treatment’ for the audience.”  Like “Big Brother 10.”

Lawyers are poring over the decision making sure the judges cited “shock treatment” and not “shlock treatment.”  Just in case, ABC is already bracing for FCC fines for “I Survived a Japanese Game Show,” and “Wife Swap.”  NBC for “American Gladiators” and “Baby Borrowers.” And Fox for their entire non-animated schedule.

Michael Jackson’s Best Friend or Network Programming Executive?

Post from: EveryJoe

Appeals Court Tosses FCC ‘Wardrobe Malfunction’ Fine

Nerves remained raw in financial markets after last week’s steep decline in shares of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which together finance about half of U.S. homes. Investors also remain concerned about the economy after regulators had to takeover the failing bank IndyMac.

“Ultimately, we do not view these measures, dramatic as they look, as a sign that the downturn will be much worse than previously believed,” Goldman Sachs economist Jan Hatzius wrote in a note to clients. “On the other hand, I would not recommend heavy investment right now in M.A.C cosmetics, Mack Daddy, or Miss Mary Mack.”

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Baaaad investment strategy

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Post from: EveryJoe

Shares In Fannie Mae And Freddie Mac Volatile Despite Government Credit Pledge

The Federal Reserve approved a plan that would crack down on dubious lending practices that have hurt many of the riskiest “subprime” borrowers.

The plan would bar lenders from making loans to panhandlers, bums and hobos. In addition, the proposal would require lenders to make sure risky borrowers set aside money to pay for taxes and insurance, and send bank personnel out to do borrowers’ laundry.

According to Susan Wachter of the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business, “Clearly this is closing the barn door after the fact.” Professor Wachter goes on to say, “Of course, if there’s a homeless guy sleeping in the barn who has no visible means of support, he’ll probably try to get a mortgage on the barn and some dumb banker will probably give it to him.”

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New owner of 5,000 sf Tribeca loft

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Post from: EveryJoe

Federal Reserve Gives Home Buyers More Protection Against Shady Lending Practices

Toyota Motor Corp plans to install solar panels on its next-generation Prius hybrid cars, and the power generated by the system would be used for chilling drivers’ white wine on their way to $4500-a-plate Save the Spotted Red-Winged Piranha cocktail party fundraisers. 

Cumulative sales of the Prius, the world’s first mass-produced gasoline-electric hybrid car, have topped 1 million units worldwide – amounting to one for every San Francisco holier-than-thou, two for every Hollywood A-list phony, and three for Leonardo di Caprio. 

  Insert snob face here.
 

Post from: EveryJoe

Toyota to Add Solar Panels to Prius Hybrid

Blockbuster Inc. said Tuesday it is withdrawing its proposal to buy Circuit City Stores Inc.  Chief Executive James Keyes said in a written statement that the proposed deal, at a price of more than $1 billion, didn’t make sense because they don’t have a billion dollars. 

“Let’s face it, when was the last time you walked into a Blockbuster?” Keyes asked.  “We were thinking of paying in stale popcorn and old Twizlers, but for some reason that didn’t fly.”

Circuit City Chief Executive Philip J. Schoonover said his board was still exploring strategies to help shareholders.  The retailer’s stock has dropped below $3 from its peak near $31 in May 2006, probably because they’re not selling stuff and customers are tired of waiting around while employees play video games.

Some analysts had wondered whether a marriage of two companies that each lost money last year was wise.  The answer appears to be, “No, duh.”

Blockbuster CEO James Keyes

Post from: EveryJoe

Block-Bust