Nobody’s been this fixated on a Jackson nipple since Bubbles the Chimp A federal appeals court threw out a $550,000 indecency fine against CBS for the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show that ended with Janet Jackson’s breast-baring “wardrobe malfunction,” saying the Federal Communications Commission, “acted arbitrarily and capriciously,” in other words, “like the government.” The court found that the FCC deviated from its nearly 30-year practice of fining indecent broadcast programming only when it was so “pervasive as to amount to ‘shock treatment’ for the audience.”  Like “Big Brother 10.” Lawyers are poring over the decision making sure the judges cited “shock treatment” and not “shlock treatment.”  Just in... [Read more]

Bernie Mac Doing Slightly Better Nerves remained raw in financial markets after last week’s steep decline in shares of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which together finance about half of U.S. homes. Investors also remain concerned about the economy after regulators had to takeover the failing bank IndyMac. “Ultimately, we do not view these measures, dramatic as they look, as a sign that the downturn will be much worse than previously believed,” Goldman Sachs economist Jan Hatzius wrote in a note to clients. “On the other hand, I would not recommend heavy investment right now in M.A.C cosmetics, Mack Daddy, or Miss Mary Mack.” - Baaaad investment strategy - [Read more]

Fed Adopts Plan to Wrap Borrowers in Giant-size Condoms The Federal Reserve approved a plan that would crack down on dubious lending practices that have hurt many of the riskiest “subprime” borrowers. The plan would bar lenders from making loans to panhandlers, bums and hobos. In addition, the proposal would require lenders to make sure risky borrowers set aside money to pay for taxes and insurance, and send bank personnel out to do borrowers’ laundry. According to Susan Wachter of the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business, “Clearly this is closing the barn door after the fact.” Professor Wachter goes on to say, “Of course, if there’s a homeless guy sleeping in the barn who has no visible means of support,... [Read more]

New slogan to be, “You thought we were prententious before!” Toyota Motor Corp plans to install solar panels on its next-generation Prius hybrid cars, and the power generated by the system would be used for chilling drivers’ white wine on their way to $4500-a-plate Save the Spotted Red-Winged Piranha cocktail party fundraisers.  Cumulative sales of the Prius, the world’s first mass-produced gasoline-electric hybrid car, have topped 1 million units worldwide – amounting to one for every San Francisco holier-than-thou, two for every Hollywood A-list phony, and three for Leonardo di Caprio.    Insert snob face here.   [Read more]

Blockbuster withdraws plan to acquire Circuit City Blockbuster Inc. said Tuesday it is withdrawing its proposal to buy Circuit City Stores Inc.  Chief Executive James Keyes said in a written statement that the proposed deal, at a price of more than $1 billion, didn’t make sense because they don’t have a billion dollars.  “Let’s face it, when was the last time you walked into a Blockbuster?” Keyes asked.  “We were thinking of paying in stale popcorn and old Twizlers, but for some reason that didn’t fly.” Circuit City Chief Executive Philip J. Schoonover said his board was still exploring strategies to help shareholders.  The retailer’s stock has dropped below $3 from its peak near $31 in May 2006, probably... [Read more]