Ban On Candy At School Helps Cut Student Weight Gain

ACLU Files Lawsuit, Says Ban Unfairly Discriminates Against Pedophiles

A two-year experiment in healthier eating achieved beneficial results in Philadelphia.  Schools that mandated healthy snacks had half as many obese kids as schools that didn’t ban sugary treats.

The local chapter of the ACLU, however, is suing the schools because they say the candy ban unfairly targets child molesters.

“It is much more difficult to get a kid into the back of a van if you’re not allowed to have candy on school grounds,” said ACLU counsel Donna DeDehd, “This goes to the heart of the Constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness for creepy guys in long overcoats.”

Ms. DeDehd went on to say, “If Twizzlers are outlawed, then only outlaws will have Twizzlers … although I don’t know what that has to do with anything.”

According to MSNBC news:

…changes were made to the food in vending machines or the cafeteria in five of the schools…Students who ate healthy snacks got raffle tickets to win prizes such as bikes and jump ropes.

“We found when you give children healthy choices, they pick them,” said Grace McGinley, school nurse…

School officials pointed out that bribing the kids worked, too.  In addition, plying them with material goods was seen as helping train a future generation for a role in the State Legislature.

Staff psychologists were quick to point out the benefit of starting early to instill children with a negative body image.

“This will improve the bottom line of nearly every cosmetic and fashion company in the world.  And, really, is it so wrong to want to have more good-looking people walking around?”

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It’s a proven scientific fact that thin people are smarter, more popular and have more fulfilling lives than their chubby counterparts. 

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