Bizlevity Disclaimer Of Liability To Become Industry Standard

‘Plain English’ Legal Form Prevents Lawsuits and Many Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Sparing no expense, the finest legal minds at Bizlevity have concocted a blanket disclaimer of liability that is destined to become a publishing industry standard.

Readers are invited to use the basic template for their own blogging sites or, in a pinch, as a pre-nuptial agreement.

Bizlevity Legal Disclaimer

Bizlevity is a business satire site designed to encourage, promote and assist readers in thinking for themselves. If you haven’t thought for yourself for a long time you should consult with a doctor before attempting to come to your own conclusions.

The opinions expressed on Bizlevity are those of the article’s authors — although sometimes that’s not the case either and we’re just bullshitting you for the fun of it.

The opinions may or may not reflect those of the management of b5 Media depending on how clearly management is thinking on any particular day.

The information contained in this Web site is for general guidance on matters of interest only. Trust us, we’d be more vague than that if we could.

Given the changing nature of laws, rules and regulations, and the inherent hazards of electronic communication, there may be delays, omissions or inaccuracies in information contained in this site.

In fact, we pretty much guarantee it.

Nothing on this site should be taken seriously without the expressed, written consent of Major League Baseball. And you should take that with a grain of salt because Bud Selig is a notoriously humorless dude.

We have made every attempt to ensure that the information contained in this site has been obtained from reliable sources. Of course, we consider the voices in our head and the talking monkey we see sometimes after 14 mojitos to be reliable, so take that for what it’s worth.

Bizlevity is not responsible for any errors or omissions, or for the results obtained from the use of this information. After all, if we can’t give ourselves blanket immunity from everything under the sun, what’s the point of having a disclaimer?

Certain links in this site connect to other Web sites maintained by third parties over whom Bizlevity has no control. Bizlevity makes no representations as to the accuracy or any other aspect of information contained in other Web sites, although we can point you to a couple of really awesome porn sites and one where you can earn thousands of dollars a day stuffing envelopes.

Bizlevity will constantly ask you for personal information such as your Social Security number, credit card numbers and your mother’s maiden name. We have a running bet here at Bizlevity on how many people a month are dumb enough to send us this stuff and I’ve got the “over.”

We will never use personal information to buy second-rate electronic equipment or lap dances from stippers with stretch marks or other visible scars. Your hijacked identity will only be used for the best stuff so, even though you may lose your credit rating, your reputation as a big-spending party animal will be intact.

We will never sell your personal information to a third-party unless we get a really good deal or sexual favors. We’ll respect you in the morning, we’ll get your check out to you right away and we’ll call you when we say we will. We promise to pull out when you’re ovulating, not post those naked pictures of you on the Internet and not tell anyone about how you got drunk and tried to have sex with your cat. You will be able to change your phone service provider anytime free of charge.

Now, about that bridge between Manhattan and Brooklyn…

Except as specifically stated on this site (go ahead, look…you won’t find anything), neither Bizlevity nor any of its partners, employees, lawyers, thieves (excuse the redundancy), hookers, con artists, grifters, sexual conquests, cowboys, heirs, pets or other representatives will be liable for damages arising out of or in connection with the use of this site. This is a comprehensive limitation of liability that applies to all damages of any kind, including (without limitation) compensatory, direct, indirect or consequential damages, loss of data, income or profit, loss of or damage to property and claims of third parties.

We worked a long time on making that previous paragraph sound as menacing, comprehensive and iron-clad as we could, so don’t even bother contacting your own lawyer. You’ve got no chance of getting any money out of us if, for no other reason, than we’ve got none to begin with. We’re blogging for a living. Do the math.

Certain side effects may occur. Some readers may experience nausea, dizziness, sudden projectile vomiting and an unexplained attraction to Michael Bolton music. Women who are pregnant or may become pregnant or men who may become women (or vice versa) should consult with a physician.

Readers with herpes may experience canoe paddling, horseback riding or rock climbing but this is considered normal.

The outrageous hilarity and good times of some Bizlevity readers may not be indicative of your own experience. Your results may vary depending on how much of a sense of humor you have.

Past results aren’t indicative of future performance but, chances are if you were a geeky loser in high school, things haven’t changed much for you now that you’re out in “the real world.”

Void where prohibited by law or uptight religious zealots.

Your mileage may vary. May the Force be with you.