Britain To Nationalise Troubled Mortgage Lender

Former Colonial Power Will Take Additional Steps To Address Nationwide ‘Z’ Shortage

The British government moved swiftly today to address two major concerns. The growing mortgage crisis and the nationwide shortage of ‘Zs.’

A spokesman for the Chancellor of the Exchequer noted, “When one analises the situation, it’s very tantilising for one to theorise that nationalisation can help one to rationalise what has become a sensationalised situation over which we all agonise. This requires us to capitalise on our mutual strengths and conceptualise new solutions of which I will keep you all apprised.”

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“Buy a ‘Z’ already, you limey twit…. ”

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The situation has reached crisis proportions as 2008 marks the 14th straight year that the U.K. has gone without zoos or Zorro comic books.

On another front, the British government also announced plans to nationalise troubled lender Northern Rock using the British national health care system as a model.

Plans include asking potential homeowners to switch to using generic mortgages and to have anyone who urgently needs a mortgage put on a five year waiting list.

Government officials said they were unconcerned about the possibility of a mortgage “brain drain” as lenders who specialized in more complicated mortgages emigrated to countries where they could be rewarded for their efforts.

According to House of Lords member Douglass S. Halfempty, “Mortgage lenders aren’t in it for the money. They’re interested in serving their fellow man, so most of them will continue to lend no matter what we pay them.”

Opponents of nationalisation point to numerous instances of botched mortgages as well as a number of cases where mortgages were taken out on the wrong house.

Government officials bristled at accusations that the country’s politicians were unfit to run a lemonade stand let alone a health care system or mortgage lender. Officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, said while that characterization was accurate, it still stung like hell.

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