Bulimic To Personal Trainer: Can Too Much of a Good Thing Be Bad?
October 15, 2008 by Kelly Turner
Filed under Fitness
I was bulimic for about 5 years.
I believe, and research supports, that eating disorders are a disease. People that develop eating disorders are genetically predisposed to them. That being said, just because you are genetically predisposed doesn’t mean that you are guaranteed to have an eating disorder; it means you have the ABILITY to develop one. Something has to bring it to a head, and its a conscious choice to engage in negative behaviors.
I was a Type A personality. Everything I did, I did full tilt, and that’s the way I liked it. I couldn’t do anything half way. After years of therapy I realized I was constantly looking for some recognition from my alcoholic mother (how’s that for stereotypical introspection?), but at the time I just wanted to be SKINNY! I never thought I was fat, but why be skinny, when you can be the skinniest? So I started to diet. If I was going to diet, I was going to go full out. Diet to me was as few calories as humanly possible: diet coke, water, and cucumbers. Eat to live, right? It felt good to lose weight. And I was GOOD at it. I was special.
I thought when I hit my goal weights, which seemed to get lower and lower as I neared them, I would finally be perfect. But, alas, I was never content. There was always more weight to lose. I looked in the mirror and saw how disgusting I was- boney, grey, sunken and bitchy (Oh Lord, the bitchieness) but still not perfect enough. I incessantly counted calories, day in and day out. Counting and recounting those few hundred calories, I knew the total could always be lower. It could always be ZERO. It wasn’t about the weight anymore- it was about me being weak and a failure. I would tell myself today was a fasting day, no eating whatsoever, but then fat, stupid, weak, lazy me would eat a few carrots or drink a glass of milk when I started to feel the room spin. I always failed.
The more I deprived myself, the more I would binge. At first, the “binges” were normal sized meals for a healthy person, but eventually they turned into bags of chips, cookies, candy, pizza, mac and cheese. If there was no food in the house, I would eat condiments. If I didn’t have money, I would steal food from the store. If I was going to mess up and be a big, fat, failure the rest of my life, I might as well be the best at it, right?
That’s when bulimia entered my life.
At first, I thought bulimia was my way to gain control. I could eat whatever I wanted and never have to worry about getting fat. I was in control of what went into and came out of my body. Again, I was wrong. Soon, that short-lived calm feeling after a huge binge when I was too full to eat another bite, and before I went into the bathroom to purge it all away was my reason for waking up in the morning. It was the only time I didn’t want food- I was sick I was so full and I didn’t have to worry about gaining any weight because I knew soon it would be flushed away. It was the only time I could relax my racing mind. I was constantly chasing that calm feeling.
I was addicted.
Like a drug addict, I lived for that fix. All day long, it was all I thought about. I would starve myself at work, come home, lock myself in my apartment and binge and purge until I barely had enough energy to crawl to my bedroom: sometimes 6-7 times a day. I looked like a drug addict, too: underweight, blotchy skin, swollen glands, thinning hair, rotting teeth. I was a junkie.
After a long, hard recovery, I am a completely different person. Not only in terms of health and attitude, but in personality, as well. I am no longer a Type A personality. i may joke about it sometimes, but honestly, i don’t consider myself Type A anymore. Not everything has to be perfect, not everything has to get done and I don’t give a damn what other people think about me. And most importantly I AM HAPPY.
I broke the addiction by learning what I am worth, and focusing my energy on my health, and onto productive things, like work and writing, where I can help people. Addicts are the most selfish people you will ever come across, and when I think of all the tiome and energy I wasted on killing myself, it makes me want to cry.
People hear personal trainer and think I’m up at the crack of dawn running a million miles a day, perfectly weighing all my food and never letting a cheeseburger or piece of candy pass my perfectly motivated lips.
In actuality, you guys work out a lot more and eat a lot healthier than I do. I wasted so many years obsessing about calories and food and my body, that I don’t have the energy to do it anymore. I don’t have the mental energy to plan out every meal and workout constantly. Health is an amazing thing, it saved my life and brought me to where I am today, but I will not let another thing take over my life. To be healthy, you don’t have to obsess or count or make rules. I will not let one more thing cause me to feel guilty, cause me to feel like I’m not good enough or that I have failed.
I read food blogs. You guys know that. I read them for ideas on how to eat healthy, meal and snack suggestions and I read them because I love you guys! and I want to support you.
The obsessiveness of food bloggers was discussed at The Weighting Game, and no matter what your opinion is, I, personally, could never keep a food blog. I don’t have the attention span because food does not rule my life anymore. I read in these blogs, and fitness blogs for that matter, about people feeling guilty for eating an extra helping of dinner, or for skipping a run and my heart breaks. I can’t claim to know what’s going on their head, perhaps they are flippant remarks, but life is too short to feel guilty about ANYTHING.
So I pose this question to you: can something be an addiction, even if its technically good for you? Can something that is good for your physical health, negatively effect your mental and emotional health?
grounded fitness, fitness, health, yoga, pilates, strength training, personal trainer, cardiovascular, cardio, exercise, wellness, weight loss, blog, blogging, fitness blog, weightloss blog, bulimia, eating disorders, diet, Type A personality, addiction
I think so. If you’re doing something obsessively with external motivation — for grades, for popularity, for a raise, for approval, it’s probably not healthy in the long run.
If you’re doing something with internal motivation — with clear and conscious internal guidance — that guidance will probably keep you from going overboard.
My dad somewhat mangles Aristotle when he says, “Everything in moderation. Including moderation.”
Inspiring story, Kelly.
Hey Kelly,
First thing I want to say is thank you. Thank you for sharing your story with us in such an honest way. It truly shows you how far a person can come when they can be completely honest about what’s in their heart.
I’ll be honest with you. I’m an addict as well, always have been. My addiction was alcohol and drugs, although you never would have known it because of the family I was in. I won’t go into details because it sounds exactly the same as how you describe it, but I was a selfish perfectionist who cared only about what others thought of me. 7 years sober and I love my life. I was 18 when I quit.
Now to your question of whether or not something could be good for you and still be an addiction. I would say unequivocally YES. I recognize that I have switched my addiction from substance abuse to living a healthy, fit lifestyle and sharing whenever possible that knowledge to ones I love and strangers alike. I wouldn’t say that I obsess about it in a way that works to the detriment of my health, by no means. But I am constantly searching for a better way to be truly healthy. I’m helping my mother lose weight right now and it fills my heart every second, I’m so proud of her.
I don’t see anything wrong with being passionate about what you love. After all, I wouldn’t say being addicted to God was a bad thing either. In any case, this question can only be answered by you, but that’s just how I look at it.
All the Best,
Andrew
Kelly, thank you for such a candid post. “life is too short to feel guilty about ANYTHING” – I firmly agree.
BUT, your questions bring to mind something I’ve been worrying about lately. I’m holed up in the house at the moment because I have shin splints and a sore elbow, both of which resulted from overtraining. I find it NERVEWRECKING that I can’t get out and do some real exercise. But at the same time, all that exercise was obviously NOT healthy. I hurt myself, and now I’m paying the price. Meanwhile, I’ve put on a few points and I’m freaking out about that. I know rationally that it’s not a big deal and time will heal all wounds blah blah blah, but I can’t help but get stressed about all these things. And I am enjoying food less because I know I’m not burning it off (which is stupid, because I AM burning it off just by being awake). So yeah, something that’s healthy can definitely be TOXIC for mental health. It’s tough this balance, especially for anyone who’s ever been overweight. Once we get the weight off we become obsessed with keeping it off, scared that one little misstep will launch us back to who we used to be.
Thanks again for the post… it really made me think.
I would have to say that something that is “healthy” can definityly be bad for your emotional/mental health. I am trying to lose weight now, and I have to be SO careful, because I find that if I am not, I slip into obsessively counting calories and feeling horrible about myself. When I focus on eating healthy balanced small portions and exercising, I do okay, but it is a slippery slope for me. I generally have a pretty healthy self esteem, except when I start focusing on numbers (calories, body fat, minutes of exercise, the scale, etc). That’s when my self esteem goes into the toilet and I start to get into a very negative mindset. But the thing is, on the outside, focusing on those things are a healthy “nesesary” part of trying to get to healthy body weight. It sucks, and it is so hard to balance it. And then sometimes I think about how easy it was to lose weight when I was in college and just didn’t eat until afternoon. But then I realize that is crazy talk and I was so unhealthy then. Constantly sick and tired and dizzy. Anyways…
yeah.
Kelly you are my hero. seriously. You rock.
And to your question..yes I think that too much of a good thing, is bad. Obsessing about anything quickly leads to disordered thinking… It doesn’t matter what it is about, food, exercise, grades, job performance, relationships. Obsession can ruin your life.
You are AMAZING.
Seriously.
I am also Type A and think always that if I just start to so “some thing” perfect, life will just go swimmingly, effortlessly. That “thing” changes, but it’s usually health/food, even though I’m actually fine with my physical body. It’s so much more about control.
For a long time it was calories, then I started reading food blogs and focused on just eating reasonable portions of healthy food. Sounds good, right? Not so for me, because I can get so extreme, especially when combined with stressful life events. I went through a horrible year of my life feeling guilty for everything that I didn’t think I really needed. I would berate myself for eating an apple if I didn’t feel “perfectly hungry” for it, or eating a little past fullness (even when it was healthy!). I would obessively analyze each of my meals to ensure they were balanced and portioned correctly. I avoided social events b/c I couldn’t control the food scene and stressed so much over vacations, weekends, anything that departed from the norm.
It was horrible and misery making and affected a lot of my relationships. I’m finally coming out of that place and truly being healthy. I don’t have anything against food blogs but personally have limited which ones I read just b/c of my own tendencies. So yeah, something good can turn into something bad, even if just the thing affected negatively is your mental health.
But just to reiterate, you are so inspirational and your attitude and perspective (to me) keeps it all in perspective.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. To go from such a low point to where you are now is truly inspiring. I think this story is a good example of how trying to be “perfect” is such a slippery slope. Something I am still working on because I have that stubbornness inside of me that keeps insisting that I can always do “better.” I can’t say that I have ever truly battled with disordered eating but I had a close friend in high school that was severely bulimic; fortunately she got help and is now healthy and happy. My heart goes out to anyone with this disease. Counting calories is something I will not let myself do because I know my personality and I know what that can turn into. I know about how much I eat every day and I know what is good for my body and what is not. I know that if my jeans are feeling a little tight that I need to cut back on portions or increase my time at the gym. This works for me. I do think food blogs can be obssesive at times and not just necessarily for the blogger…. it seems a lot of readers/commentors on some blogs that I have encountered are overly preoccupied with food. But it is not for me to judge or try to fix anyone, I just hope anyone who finds themselves in a situation like that can get help. To focus too much time on anything (food, exercise, sex, television) is never healthy.
Absolutely! Sometimes I start to get out of control- I’m so focused on exercising more and more that the next thing you know I’ve walked for 3 hours that day and done an hour of boot camp and I’m wondering if its enough.
Then I remind myself that that’s likely OVERdoing it. Bring myself back to reality.
Thanks so much for writing about this. We really have to be very careful to exercise moderation with everything.
I heart this post.
Yes, healthy things can be addictive. I’ve seen people take exercise to the extreme – constantly looking for that runner’s “high”
Lori- i like your dad’s quote.
I think the tough part is figuring out where the motivation is coming from. when i was sick i thought i wanted to lose weight for me: to make me happy. Everyone would tell me how skinny and scary looked and my response would be :it doesnt matter what you think of me, its what i think of myself (completely flipping the meaning of the statement you learn in kindergarten to not let others egt you down.) in actuality, i LIVED for those comments, because it meant people thought I was strong. its hard to distinguish when you are in the midst of unbhealthy behaviors.
Andrew- first off, congrats on your recovery. My mother technically isnt supposed to be alive right now (the doctors gave her 6 months about 6 months ago due to end stage liver failure- yet somehow shes still alive) and she still wont go to rehab. I just want to punch her for being so selfish. My dad and I missed countless days of work, cried ourselves to sleep, drove hundreds of miles to see her while she screamed yelled and ignored us because we tried to get her into rehab. but i think, and I was the exact same way when I was sick. she doesnt believe me when I try and tell her i know what shes going through because i know how scary it is when you use something like an eating disorder or alcohol to define who you are for so long, you scared of who you are without it. We’ve still never gotten an Im sorry or a thank you.
anyways, I guess its your definition of health. I look at the whole picture, and even if I am able to run a marathon or stay at the perfect body fat percentage, if im stressed or guilted by it, i dont consider myself healthy.
monica- its these kinds of things that put me on the fence. when i read on someones blog exactly what you said, my ED/exercise bulimia senses start tingling. There’s such a fine line between wanting to stay healthy, especially when you lose weight because its that much harder to keep it off, but by the same token- are you really healthy if you are hurting yourself? I would rather be a few pounds heavier than broken.
i hope you feel better soon! rest up, heal up, and then ease back into your workouts. but most importantly, go do something fun. if you cant work out you might as well take advantage. go to a strip club or something ;)
sassy- when i started counselling, my main concern was gaining weight. my counselor told me i didnt have to gain weight, he would never weigh me (knowing full well that when i started to eat right i would naturally gain weight, thus, not making him the bad guy. he’s clever) but I didnt want to gain weight at all. As we chipped away at what was causing me to hate myself so much, and i started to learn my worth and what a freaking great person i am (you all are. well, hopefully. unless you murder small animals) i started to gain weight and i DIDNT CARE. I think thats the main thing: when you truely love yourself, you want to be healthy and thats all that matters. at the time i didnt think my whole OUTLOOK would change, i thought i would desperately always want to be skinny, but eventually that need went away and it didnt matter anymore.
(Im not yelling at you, i just have to use caps cause i cant italicize in comments.)
Allison K- honeslty, Id rather be 50 pounds over weight and happy. you know why? cause if i was truely happy i wouldnt care if i was over weight. obviously health is anissue, but if i had to choose between my body now and being unhappy and being overweight and happy- id choose happy in a second.
rebecca- its good that you know this about yourself- because its easier to stop. something i learned in recovery is there is ALWAYS a trigger. general self loathing is the hardest because you always feel that way so it hard to pick out certain instances. Id tell my counselor i purged and hed just ask why? at first i would yell and say i didnt know, but as I started to get better, it happened less and less and i could easily pick out what caused it. i learned that when i started to obsess, or had an urge, to stop and think “why am i feeling this way right now? Oh, im bored/stressed/mad at my boyfriend, etc” and magically it would disappear. stressing over somehting as stupid as food is a way to not stress about important stuff. if you learn what triggers you, you can avoid it.
jj125- im glad your friend is better. it takes a certain kind of personality. i would tell my boyfriend about what was going on in my head during recovery (my god, he was a saint) and he’d be like, “I dont get it, its just a sandwich.” eventually i told her he doesnt have to UNDERSTAND whats happening (like when i would burst into tears for no reason because i was white knuckling an urge, or i just ate something i felt guilty about) but he had to BELIEVE me when i asked/told him something. If i said i couldnt eat something he had to believe it was the right thing for my recovery. (when you are sick, no one trusts you. if i turned something away peope automatically thought i was starving myself instead of knowing and turning down a trigger food) it takes a very strong support system to beat something like this because you entire life is under a microscope.
sagan- exercise moderation? no pun intended right? :)
Ive never been a huge kill-yourself-at-the-gym-person, even when i was sick. i was more of a “eat less and then you dont have to exercise” person. the main thing i battled was that “i didnt work out enough” feeling after leaving the gym, but i knew it was just my all or nothinhg attitude which i had to learn to beat. every little bit helps, but too much can be worse than doing nothing.
Seabreeze- whats this runners high everyone talks about? I dont think ive ever run far enough to get it ;)
Ok, I’ve got to throw this in here because I believe that it’s a very important distinction. I see a few comments that are equating counting calories with being obsessive. It CAN become obsessive, but if you don’t know how to count calories, you can’t properly lose weight in a healthy manner. As stated by the Mayo Clinic, “When you’re considering what to expect from your new eating and exercise plan, be realistic. Healthy weight loss occurs slowly and steadily. Aim to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week.”
You goal should be to lose about 1 pound a week. Obviously, you have to tune your meal plan in a mathematical way to achieve this. If you are just “guessing” on what you should eat, it’s highly unlikely that you will guess the exact amount of calories necessary for losing one pound a week.
So I’m not saying that you should be obsessively dropping more and more calories to lose more and more weight, but you do need to count calories for your own sake, to maintain a healthy weight loss.
Yeah. I think food and exercise addictions can be deceptively innocuous. But I also have a family history of alcoholism. You can (with work) swear off alcohol forever. You can quit cigarettes. But everybody has to eat and should exercise. So it’s way too easy to justify the strange rituals and obsessions we create around these as normal, healthy parts of life. That’s why I don’t really say things like “Running is my healthy addiction” (not knocking those who do). I don’t think there’s such a thing as a healthy addiction.
Anything – healthy or otherwise – can become addicting if you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Take, for instance, someone who eats vegan because they feel passionately about animal rights and eating that way brings them joy. Now compare them to me when I was vegan – doing it compulsively out of a need to be perfect in my food and control my life. The former is probably totally healthy. Me? I was friggin wreck. Actually, that whole concept of 110% pretty much sums up my entire life. You just figured it out way sooner than I!
I commend you for this post. What a gift.
Aww, Kelly you made me cry. I’m so happy you are better!! Although I do understand that you earned it. As a bulimic still trying to recover (with mixed results) this post was so inspiring and relate-able (? not sure if that’s a word). I still need to email you…I commented before on your fat acceptance article.
I LOVE running but I’m not sure I get the runners high from it. I love that it makes me confident and not feel like I have to be the skinniest because I can run x amount of miles. When I’m having a good run it totally makes me feel strong and fast and like I can achieve anything. I think it might be a bit of an adrenaline rush, maybe that’s the high but I think I just love to do physical things and running is definitely that. It’s also selfish time when I can be alone and think or listen to music or even talk to friends but it’s still “me” time. But I gots to be honest, I also love knowing that I burned a lot of calories on a long run and I don’t have to worry about eating as much…god I feel guilty even saying this after your inspiring post but I do love that it makes me “feel skinny”.
And yeah, I think calorie counting is obsessive. I think we all know what foods are high-cal and we need to know about portion control but I think people can be perfectly healthy and lose weight in a healthy manner without counting calories at all. I don’t think you need to know your exact calorie intake to tell when you’ve eaten too much. I guess I’m concerned about the new push to put more nutrition classes in schools and everything because of this too. I feel like kids (girls in particular) may take that information and go too far with it. Kids can be really competitive with each other and I think the pressure that already is there in sports coupled with an over-emphasis on nutrition – what foods are “bad” and which ones are “good” might cause more people to develop eating disorders. If we over-emphasize this nutrition thing and talk about calories in everything I’m worried we’re going to have girls that are healthy but not model thin trying to eat less and less and competing with each other. But like I said, I do have an eating disorder so I might just worry about this happening because that is how I feel I would react. Anyhoo, sorry to get off-topic…but I would be interested in what you think about nutrition programs in schools as well? It even came up in the debate last night. It’s hard not to focus on weight sometimes when EVERYONE is talking about it!!
Andrew- very ture. there’s a big difference between counting calories to gauge your intake and counting calories as a deterant from eating anything the rest of the day, or setting very low limits on whatyou are allowed to eat.
tfh- its true. no matter what, you have to eat. I think with bulimia its easier (easier isnt the right word) because you either purge or you dont. after you kick that you can work on making healthy choices, etc. with anorexia, theres no line to cross. your only gauge is how you feel and you cant trust that because you brain isnt working properly.
charlotte- exactly. its all what drives your decisions- your frame of mind. BUT in order to recognize that you have to be of clear mind. I knew I had a problem, but I thought I just wanted to be skinny. I thought I could stop. I thought i was in control. It took rock bottom and an intervention and my boyfriend to dump me (we are back together now that I am better, again, he’s a saint) for me to realize it wasnt about my weight anymore.
and I’d say you’ve got it pretty figured out ;)
Ally- summing it up in one post makes it seem like it was a light switch, but it was far from it. I screwed up plenty of times, wanted to die, screamed at my therapist, didnt go to work, said fuck it and vowed never to recover, etc. Its a hard long road because its hard to undo a lifetime of damage. I commend you for working hard at it. That invite to email me is still open :)
as for schools, i think it needs to be done in the proper way. Where everyone goes wrong is focusing on numbers and presenting food and exercise as a plus and negative thing. food is added calories exercise is negative calories. Food is fuel for your life/workouts. I think it needs to be done by professionals, but more knowledge is never a bad thing. Taking the candy and soda out of schools and teaching children why its important to treat your body with respect and dignity, not only with food, but with body image/sex/drugs etc can only do good. its just a matter of funding and finding qualified professionals.
I spoke at my old highschool about eating disorders and my battle. The kids that didnt have an issue politely listened and promptly forgot i came the second they had to go back to class. The people that had issues came up to me afterwards and thanked me for sharing. They told me how they have been having those feelings/had full blown eating disorders and seeing someone come out unscathed encouraged them to get help. I can almost guarentee no one thought “hey, thats a good idea” and decided to go purge. Knowledge is power and can change lives for the better.
You are so brave.
It’s tough being Type A in high school, isn’t it? I went through a (relatively short) period of time when I was counting bites of my daily turkey sub. Amount of bites “allowed” was directly related to amount of exercise. I’m so glad that this behavior didn’t last long enough to spiral into something even worse.
I could never keep a food blog. I’ve found myself getting too obsessive by just reading them.
On the other hand, I report my daily exercise to the blogging world, and when I was considering running through foot pain I got comments like “dude, take a day off. cross train.” And I was like…oh…duh….I should do that.
Hello kindred spirit! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, and I could totally relate to every single thing you said as I have blogged much about my own experience. I appreciate folks who can share their stories in an uplifting supportive way because it helps shine light and helps others feel less alone, stigmatized, and shame filled.
Ironically, I have a food blog too, and it’s a good blog but have of late struggled with mental blocks partly because there’s a voice that says “You can’t food blog when you’ve had food issues.” Perhaps it’s a worthy or authority thing. Not sure quite yet, but you gave me some good food for thought :-)
This post really hit home for me. While I’ve never had bulima specifically, I have definitely had an eating disorder. You don’t get to 250 pounds in your early 20s by having a healthy relationship with food. I can relate so much to your descriptions of binges. I can’t even count the number of times that I let some small “slip” in my eating set me off on a major binge. The only difference is that I didn’t purge afterward. I remember hearing Princess Diana say that the feeling she got from being so full after a purge felt almost like a hug. I’ve remembered that all these years.
It’s interesting to think about why some people have these disorders/addictions. I often wonder if it was something that I was genetically destined for with my family history of depression, or if it was my way of coping during my teenage years. My parents had a miserable marriage and I’m sure that has had someting to do with it.
I do think something healthy can become an addiction. I wonder if I’ll simply give up my overeating and replace it with another addiction, like running for example. So far I haven’t gone too far with calorie counting, although I do try to count calories most days. My eating is so messed up from all of those years of binging that I have had to teach myself what it’s like to actually eat like a normal, healthy person.
I’m so glad to hear how far you’ve come! You have given me so much hope. It’s funny, when I see people I haven’t seen in maybe 10 years, they don’t recognize me. It’s not just my weight that has changed, my personality has completely changed as well. I can honestly say that I’m not the same person I was back then.
It’s funny how you mention the stereotype of a trainer. My sister is a trainer too and she eats a ton! She has such a great outlook on food and health. It’s hard to tell we came from the same place. :)
i saw stephanie commented, which is ironic, because she had a post today about having a bulimic personal trainer.
or maybe it’s not ironic and i just think so because i’m ass tired.
anyway, thank you for sharing. having some sort of health plan to follow, whether it be counting calories or using some device to do so (bodybugg over here), is never healthy once it crosses over to an unhealthy obsession.
I don’t have a type A personality (is there a type Z? That would be me), so it was really interesting to read your story, particularly the incremental process of going from “normal” to “eating-disordered.”
Thanks for sharing it; I think its always helpful for people still struggling to see that it is possible to recover and gain perspective again.
I found your blog from Mark Salinas.
Thanks for sharing your story and I agree – even when something appears “good”, it can become an addition. I had an exercise addiction for years and I didn’t consider it that until recently. It was a matter of control for me based on lots of things I had going on. Because I chose exercise, of course I thought it was “good”! But when you spend 2 hours every day and change plans to make sure you fit your workout into your day, that’s a problem.
Thanks for sharing. I was anorexic for a short time. I tried so hard to stop those hips from coming in, but one day I just walked away from my crazy behaviors. I would only eat things that I could count the calories for. I wanted to lose more and more weight.
I’m so glad that I’m not plagued with that anymore, but I am still definitely conscious about my body and which parts I want to tone. But eating a large meal once in awhile doesn’t freak me out, so that’s better right?
I so get your response to me, Kelly. I wonder if there is any shortcut to that awareness (the source of one’s motivation being internal or external).
For me, it was about living more years and just being wiser for it. I don’t think there was anything I could have done to have “gotten” it earlier. And I should say I am still working on getting it at deeper and deeper levels.
Score one for age!
I just want to thank you for your honesty with this so much. I visit your blog from time to time and am always happy I do, because I love your attitude and your outlook on life. Not many people can seem so “cool” through a blog, but you seem like one cool chick.
I remember a post a while back where you had mentioned your mom in some capacity, and I remember thinking “sounds like her mom is an alcoholic, too.” I never wanted to ask as I didn’t want to pry. I myself am a daughter of an alcoholic. And lo and behold, what did we learn in therapy a few weeks back? That my struggling for perfectionism and just to be skinny is an attempt to get acceptance, and love from my mother. Competing with a substance for love can really mess with your value system. But it is so great to see you have made it though to the other side.
I don’t want to obsess over food any more. I want to have my own life, not dictated by her actions. I just want to be normal, eat and exercise normal, and thank god that through you I can see that someday I can get there.
I think anything can become an addiction, as you stated.
I commend you telling this story and wish you loads of luck!