College Football is so Upon Us, it Doesn’t Even Know It

“Hey coach! Wake up! It’s football season. Yes we actually have to play games now. I know you won the off-season. You have some great athletes. No, I’m sure the fans haven’t figured out you don’t actually know anything about football. You’ll be fine. As long as you beat the teams you’re supposed to. They don’t have any good players. Because we have them. I know what that website said about you, I saw it too. Don’t worry, no one actually reads those sites. Seriously, if their opinion mattered, they wouldn’t be on the internet. Don’t worry, the opposing coach is just as incapable as you are. You have a winning record every year, you really don’t even have to say or do anything. Paterno hasn’t seen a headset in years. I know, it’s a stressful job. Just be thankful you don’t have to coach in the NFL. Our best guys failed there.”

College Football, home of coaches who couldn’t cut it in the NFL. We preview the Big Ten now…after the jump. The jump, the jump, the jump, my lovely blogging jump. Check it out.

The Big Ten actually has eleven teams. This doesn’t matter. Names of conferences rarely describe the teams in the conference anymore. Cincinatti and Louisville are in the Big East. San Diego State is in the Mountain West. Only the super-generic Conference USA makes sense. The Big Ten’s eleventh team is last year’s champ, the resurgant Penn St. Can they repeat? Does Joe Pa even realize where he is? I’ll ignore these questions and simply do my smallest preview ever.

Best Team: Iowa – People have Ohio St. rated way to highly. They lost almost their entire defense, and Troy Smith isn’t nearly as talented as people think. His stats at the end of last season were inflated by games against Michigan and Notre Dame, two teams who can’t stop a running quarterback. Go ahead, check out Drew Stanton’s stats against those teams, I double dog dare you. Iowa is the best coached team in the Big Ten, as Kirk Ferentz is one of the few coaches in college ball who could do it in the League. They’re remarkably consistent and they fly under the radar, well, because they’re from Iowa. But they’re damn good.
Worst Teams: Illinois and Indiana. Just waiting for basketball season.

Best Player: Drew Stanton till LaMarr Woodley hurts him again. Mike Hart after that if he can stay healthy.