Commercial Break Monday Says: Pink Floyd Were Rubbish
Don’t mind me! Pink Floyd’s seminal album Dark Side Of The Moon was a load of wank. I’m just trying a bold new strategy for new readers! The Wall by Pink Floyd is a pile of total bollocks, stuffed inside a slightly larger pile of total bollocks. Not that I need to stoop to these kind of tactics – I got a look at my figures at the weekend and they categorically state that Re:Retro readers are the best readers! (IMHO blah blah etc.) Also, Syd Barrett performed oral pleasure on a goat every day! Metaphorically. Allegedly.
Hi, Pink Floyd fans! Pleased to meet you! I secretly LOVE PinK Floyd! I was just using your notorious thin-skinned oversensitivity and penchant for flying into violent murderous rages for my own personal gain! And I’m back from the Bristol Comics Expo to show you all a COMMERCIAL BREAK MONDAY CROSS-POLLINATION SPECIAL – showing how MUSIC can make or break an advert!
So it is sort of relevant.
Here’s the print advert in question, introducing Luigi to readers for the first time:
Obviously this is when Mario was still playing second fiddle – first to a giant ape, then to his own inept brother. Certainly he hadn’t signed any exclusives at this point.
Still, all very jolly – crisp, clear and giving a decent enough sense of what playing the game might actually be like. This was ported – oh all right, ripped off – on the BBC Micro as Drain Mania, so I can tell you that the sense of impending doom from all corners of the screen is spookily accurate. And then there’s that catchy rhyme! I wouldn’t mind hearing that sung.
Be careful what you wish for.
It’s like a cross between a Dalek and a baffled moose. MAAAARIO WHERE AAARRRRREE YOU. That sound is going to haunt my dreams for all eternity. We’ve gone from a cute cartoon that made me seriously want to buy the game to a fat, tone-deaf man in a false moustache being molested by a giant rubber claw. And now I can’t look at the cheery cartoon caper without hearing the bellowing of a lovesick elk. MAAAARIO WHERE AAAAAARRRE YOU. Why, Luigi, I’m leaving you languishing forever in sidekick mode after you take this golden opportunity to outshine me and blow it completely thanks to your hideous foghorn voice. Or should I say, why-a, Luigi-a, I’m-a leaving-a you-a languashing-a… oh, life’s too short.
In other news, Jonic got me a gift which I’ll be going into in detail as soon as I’ve thought of a way to handle it. Probably tomorrow, but don’t quote me, I’m too exhausted from the endless labours of comics to make any kind of plan. BED WHERE AAAARRRREEE YOU etc.
