Commercial Break Monday Says: We Pride Ourselves On Our Finest Quality Barrel Scrapings

Today on CBM, we take a look at a far-gone time when men were men and games were rubbish.

When I try and think of three of the greatest arcade games ever circa the mid-eighties, I tend to think of anything other than Frogger, Popeye and Q-Bert. Frogger is a semi-servicable concept, but Horace Goes Skiing essentially dominates it – dominates it up the ass, with skis. Popeye’s three puny screens do not fill me with confidence. And Q-Bert… Q-Bert, despite the claims made here, is resistable. Very, very resistable.

This advert isn’t much more than a curiosity – did Parker Brothers actually believe that these were the three games that best represented their company and their hopes and dreams for the fledgling home video nation? Or were they desperately hoping to bump up sales on some slow, ponderous titles that didn’t have any word-of-mouth fandom? Or – horrifically – had the salad days of Pac-Man and Space Invaders simply wilted like old lettuce (yes I do write similes for money) leaving these grimy droppings as the only games in town? Was there ever a world in which Popeye The Game was one of the three classic games that everyone had to play? What would that be today?

“We can give you amazing arcade treats like Dance Dance Revolution Revolution… Gun-Based Money Eater Elite… and That Game Where You Smack A Huge Plastic Ass While A Simulated Face Yelps At You! Parker Brothers. Bringing the unremitting boredom of the arcades into your living room.”