Dear Bobby Petrino

Dear Bobby Petrino,

Are you insanely ignorant or just plain stupid? Neither, you say? Then you must be a jerk. Probably the biggest jerk in football. Yes, bigger than Michael Vick. That’s right, I said it. You’re a bigger jerk than the guy who helped fund the raising of innocent puppies to fight and kill one another. That’s how much I dislike you right now.

Oh, I get why you’re going back to college football. That part is totally understandable. The pros weren’t for you. Hey, not everyone can have the balls to talk to professional athletes every week. If you feel more comfortable giving your pep talks to 18-year-olds who won’t question your manhood, that is perfectly acceptable. No one is putting you down for screwing over college coaches everywhere who now will be passed up for pro jobs based on the fact that you couldn’t hack it for even a single season.

But I digress.

What really gets me, Petrino, is that you’re a hot, steaming sack of bullshit. Let me just quote you for a second:

It was difficult to leave Atlanta, the staff, players, fans. The timing of it probably is the thing that made it most difficult. Coming to Arkansas was the easy part.”

Do you actually expect us to believe that? It took you about thirty seconds to say yes when Arkansas offered you the job. And that’s by your own admission – you’ve told reporters from ESPN that you didn’t talk to anyone about the job opening until Tuesday. By the end of the day it was “Nice knowing ya, Atlanta.”

So no, I don’t think that it was difficult for you to leave at all. That’s like the runner-up who claps for the girl who wins the beauty pageant. It’s just because she feels obligated. Well you know what? Don’t feel obligated to play nice with Atlanta. They hate you.

I’m not trying to say that college football isn’t where you belong. You were a great college coach, and in all honesty, I would have been confused if you would have continued with pro coaching for the rest of your career.

Plus, no one can deny that you’ve had a rocky start. There you were, pulling into your new parking spot in Atlanta, in a new new suit, when someone dropped the bomb that Vick wasn’t going to play for you anytime soon. You lost your star, and the team suffered. You couldn’t turn it around with your coaching style, which many of the players criticized openly. I’m being sincere when I say that I don’t fault you for leaving.

I do fault you for the way you did it. You left in the middle of the season. And why? The Arkansas interim coach, Reggie Herring, will be coaching the guys in the Cotton Bowl. There was really no need to rush off. I mean, by the looks of your paycheck, Arkansas really wanted you. They’d wait a few more weeks to have you officially on campus.

But no. You left your team hanging, with a losing record, no decent quarterback, and three games to play in the season. Couldn’t you have showed a little pride in yourself? A little dignity? A little class?

And I can almost give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you believe that it doesn’t really matter. Maybe you know something we don’t know about who will fill in for you as head coach – maybe someone who can do a better job for those remaining three games. Then I read about how you left Atlanta.

With a f*ing letter.

Are you kidding me? It was an off day, so you wrote a letter to your team and flew off for a press conference at Arkansas? You’re a sack of shit. That was the lowest thing I could ever imagine a coach doing to his team.

Well, Bobby Boy, I hope you like it at Arkansas. Because, I mean, you’re probably going to be spending the rest of your career there. I can’t really imagine anyone else wanting to hire you if you decide to leave yet another team after just a short time. Get comfy, douche bag.

xoxo,

Alli

P.S. Oh, and good luck with your Arkansas players. Like any of them really want to play for someone who’s morals resemble the contents of some fat guy’s bowels.