Double Hand Transplant To Be Done In PA
– Man Looks Forward To Finally Being Able To Get Front Row Seats At Concerts, Comedy Clubs –
The first double hand transplant to be performed in the United States is underway in Pittsburgh this morning. Fifty-seven-year old Jeff Kepner will undergo 20 hours or more of surgery in an effort to be able, once again, to get good seats at comedy clubs and concerts.
“It’s been a long journey for me,” said Kepner who lost both hands to a bacterial infection. “For years, club owners and Ticketmaster refused to sell me seats anywhere close to the stage because they thought not being able to clap was going to be a real buzz-kill for the other patrons.”
“On the other hand,” said Kepner, “I had a ton of speaking engagements from parents’ groups wanting me to talk to their kids about the importance of washing your hands so that you don’t get a bacterial infection.”
The double hand transplant carries a high degree of difficulty making many surgeons reluctant to include it in their routine for the Surgical Olympics.
Last month physicians in France successfully completed the world’s first simultaneous partial face and double hand transplant, so you know the French judges are going to low-ball the Pittsburgh doctors when it comes to giving points for style and originality.
Kepner’s transplant surgery will be covered by his Blue Cross/Blue Shield policy but the insurance company has balked at springing for razor-sharp titanium claw implants saying that so-called “Wolverine option” is still considered “experimental” and thus not covered by Kepner’s basic policy.
Lawyers for Kepner plan to argue that, after three sequels, installing Wolverine claws are a “generally accepted practice” and subsequent special appearances at comic book shows would help Kepner pay his medical bills.
Asked what the first thing he would do with his new hands, Kepner said, “I’m going to hold my grand-daughter. After that I’m going up to my room, lock the door and, for the first time in ten years, watch Internet porn without using my feet.”
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Looks forward to giving up yoga…
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Image: permanentlyscatterbrained on Flickr
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