Earth Hour Survival Guide

GROVER’S MILL, NJ — The hour of darkness that engulfed Europe tonight left most essential services intact, despite a scare at a nuclear plant that turned off its alarm system to preserve power.

Earth Hour is heading for North America, causing the Department of Homeland Security to upgrade its terror alert to Dark.

“Many people are afraid of the dark, so we anticipate a higher than normal level of terror among young children, Internet addicts and social outcasts,” said a spokesperson who declined to be identified. “We expect the worst impact on young, socially outcast Internet addicts.”

Earth Hour Survival Guide:

1. If you fear for your life, head to the nearest fast food outlet. FEMA has declared a national state of near-emergency, allowing any restaurant that serves unhealthy foods to keep its lights on during Earth Hour. With its new Heart Smart menu items, McDonald’s didn’t make the cut.
2. Prior to heading outside, don your night-vision goggles and make sure your weapon is loaded and cocked.
3. Bathe fluorescent clothes in light prior to The Darkness.
4. Light low-carbon candles. To deal with increased risk of house fire, get ready to leap out the window, if needed.
5. If you see someone with their lights on, lecture them about wasting energy. Yes, that includes the old and infirm.
6. Turn up the furnace to make up for the darkness.
7. Drink lots of alcohol.
8. Wear clean underwear.
9. Think and talk about stopping climate change. If you do this once a year for an hour, it will help.

If you follow these steps, you should be fine.

If you’re reading this during Earth Hour, turn off your monitor.

Other Earth Hour News:

• Earth Hour Calamity – Driving in the Dark
• Tibet, Guantanamo, Spuzzum

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