Fed Chairman Bernanke To Issue New Rules To Protect Homebuyers

New Rules Require Mortgage Issuers to Act Out Contract Requirements With Hand Puppets and Include Free Sippy Cup With Basic Addition Tables On It

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke called for more regulation of the housing industry saying that rules needed to be revamped to protect people with low incomes and bad credit histories.

While urging implementation for more laws to protect stupid people, Bernanke also said the Fed would continue to make emergency loans to bail out Wall Street firms that had cadres of MBAs making decisions for them.

“Basically, we at the Fed believe the financial markets should operate like a fairy tale where there’s always a happy ending, no matter what decision you choose to make,” said the Fed Chairman.

Bernanke also said he would work to strike out a paragraph from the recent Fed minutes where it was suggested that the Fed’s bailout of freeloading mortgage participants was “for the vast majority of Americans, a giant ‘fuck you’ for every thoughtful and responsible financial decision they’ve ever made.”

The Fed Chairman said that the paragraph, while accurate, wasn’t the kind of responsible thinking the Fed wanted to encourage.

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