Golden Axe: Beast Rider Tyris Trailer Makes Me Feel Sexually Confused

I was kind of a strange lass growing up. Not exactly saying that I hold a stable 9-to-5 and walk home to a white picket fence in the here and now, but I’m sure more than one adult, er, wondered about my sexuality when I was a tyke.

See, I rejected feminine toys; I had no use for Barbies or Raggedy Ann. But neither did I go around bashing trucks or pretending to head a construction crew. I just liked animal-related toys, especially fantastic monsters. Popples, Wuzzles and My Little Pony were favourites—remember those?

Whereas Popples and the like were very pastel-coloured and happy, I still enjoyed more “masculine” creatures of the night. He-Man’s faithful tiger, Cringer/Battle Cat, for instance. Though my elders didn’t realise it, I still considered Transformers and Hot Wheels too “boyish”—I was not interested.

My point? To all the folks who used to wonder about what bus I take, behold my reaction to the Golden Axe: Beast Rider trailer above: impatience.

The video features Tyris jiggling her forbidden fruit for the camera while summoning magic spells. My reaction is not one of excitement; instead, my inner two-year-old is kicking her heels on the carpet and whining, “When are they gonna show the cool monsters you can ride oooon?”

Hint: they don’t. I am displeased. But secure in my sexuality.

PS, I think I’d sleep with Carmen Sandiego. <3