Government Pledges Rapid Response To Financial Crisis
Prayer Meeting and Sage Burning Scheduled for This Afternoon
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke pledged to respond to the current financial crisis “with substantial force on a number of fronts” by holding a multi-denominational prayer meeting, sage burning and exorcism this afternoon on Wall Street.
Some analysts questioned whether the sight of government officials in hooded velvet robes sacrificing chickens would restore the market’s confidence.
“Sure, it could work,” said one broker who asked to remain anonymous so that people wouldn’t march on his house with torches and pitchforks.
“But, in reality, giving Putin-like powers to the guys who dug us into this hole in the first place is going to be the major stumbling block toward any kind of return to ‘normal’ operation.”
In other news, speaking at a gathering of bishops at the Vatican, the Pope said that the current financial crisis showed “the futility of money and ambition.” No word from the Pope on what futility was involved with the Church’s handling of priests who molest their parishioners.
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“I wonder what Mr. Bigglesworth would recommend…”
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