Guitar Hero DS: You Don’t Need Me, I Don’t Need You.
This summer, I’m going to mow lawns, wash windows and help Old Mister Wilson unload his groceries for a quarter. Then I’m going to buy a new Nintendo DS along with Guitar Hero On Tour, assemble it, and throw the whole bloody mess under the wheels of a moving truck.
Some people are very excited about the handheld incarnation of Guitar Hero. I’m not one of them.
Granted, I love rhythm games. Rock Band, Elite Beat Agents, Dance Dance Revolution…my dad was a musician, so music was a constant presence in my life. When Harmonix decided we’d all love to get together with beer-fueled friends to play a plastic guitar and yell along to Iron Maiden, they were on to mankind’s most brilliant idea since penicillin.
But even penicillin has its haters these days. When people start to see a lot of one thing, they get testy. To begin with, I don’t care for the changes Activision has forced upon Guitar Hero since they bought the franchise with III. I’m easygoing as far as sexualised female characters go, but I am terribly offended with Judy Nails’ change from a cute little punk girl to a huge-tittied rock slut who “now knows her place”. Grinding the franchise’s face into the pavement is just one tick on a list of sins.
There’s no need for a handheld version of Guitar Hero. The game is everywhere. It’s on my local Slurpee Machine, for Christ’s sake. I’m tired of rockin’ out. You guys go on without me.
Especially if I’m going to have to pay fifty bucks for the privilege. Holy hell. Run for the hills, indeed.
(Oh, and the game features extensive use of the DS’ microphone! Everybody loves to use the microphone, right? If you shout or blow into it on a bus trip, the seats beside you will be empty in no time. So I guess it has its uses.)
