Healthy Eating, Disordered Mind?
November 5, 2008 by Kelly Turner
Filed under Fitness
Charlotte ruined my morning. Only for a few seconds, because soon my thoughts turned to I NEED COFFEE, but she got my wheels turning.
While reading her post on her battles with over-exercising, one certain section caught my eye:
Fear of hunger. Exercise is my permission to eat. I’m not actively eating disordered now but part of that is because I feel like I’ve earned the right to eat because I’ve exercised. No exercise? My mind says no food. I don’t starve but that’s only because I never miss a workout. In addition, I am terrified of feeling hungry. I am so afraid that if I just let myself eat, I’ll eat anything and everything and I’ll never stop. But as long as I’m exercising, I’m not hungry. (What happens in the 30 minutes after a really intense workout is an entirely different story.)
I am in no way addicted to exercise. Like I’ve told you before, most of you exercise way more than I do. However, this excerpt made it glaringly apparent to me that I still have issues with food.
I am scared to get hungry.
I used to starve myself. I used to live for that feeling of my stomach eating itself. The growling of my tummy was a slient whisper only I could hear: “You are strong.”
When my starvation turned to binges, and then purging, my hormones and chemistry were so out of whack that I literally did not get hungry anymore. I lost that feeling of strength, that reminder that I was in control, and could not get it back.
During recovery I had to eat by the clock because I couldn’t trust my body anymore. Sadly, I realize I haven’t moved on from there. In literally years, I have not progressed further from eating by the clock, and I realize its because I am scared to hungry. I am scared that if I allow myself to feel hunger, it will hook me again. I will fall back in love with it, relish in the feeling and perhaps slowly slip back into not eating.
I was told once, I’m pretty sure by my counselor at the time, that people without food issues view hunger as a gentle tug. It’s a cue that they should eat soon. People with food issues view the first sign of hunger as a fire alarm: a “everyone stop whatever you are doing because I need to eat right now.” I joke that I get very grumpy when I don’t eat, but I don’t think it has anything to do with actual chemical need for food: I think its anxiety. I get grumpy and moody and can’t focus until I get food, because I am anxious of feeling that strong hunger that will drag me back into my patterns. I eat before I get hungry because I associate hunger with deprivation, and I don’t want to do that to myself anymore.
My actions are healthy. I eat continuously throughout the day to fuel my body. All food groups are accounted for, my calorie needs are met and I allow myself treats pretty often.
My thought process, though, is not as healthy as I like to tell myself. I don’t know if it will ever change, but the fact that I am aware of it counts for something, right?
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fantastically written post kelly.
as was charlotte’s.
Id never heard it described the way your counselor did…hunger I mean…but it makes total sense.
it did initially and then did even more when you described the anxiety…the grumpy not being a “my bod needs fuel!!” but the fear of old patterns.
thank you for this. I know youve educated me & I cant help but think many others as well.
Carla
Its hard to describe how the disordered mind works in a way for others who have never gone through it to understand. It doesnt make sense, thats why its disordered. but knowing as much about myself as i do now makes it a little easier to articulate.
Yes, wonderful post. You are very articulate and I really wish I’d had something like this blog around when I was a teenager.
Also, I’m guessing that it is helpful for others, no matter what our history with food, to know that you choose to eat in a certain way to avoid bad patterns. Sure, it would be better if we all could just be, y’know, French women who don’t get fat and all that crap because we have 100% healthy relationships with food. But I know I’m not and it’s nice to be able to say, “You know what? I can fall into bad– maybe not disordered, but bad– thoughts and feelings and habits regarding food, so for the time being, I’m going to do ___ and ___ so that doesn’t happen.”
Kelly:
Well said!
Ironically, when I exercise, I tend to feel fewer hunger pains than when I go without exercise.
Case in point — I’ve had the flu, so I haven’t been able to get to the gym. And my stomach is growling night and day. Unfortunately, I have trouble filling it because of the nausea I’m experiencing.
Anyway, I must admit that I’m terrified to be too full. Terrified. And I know what you mean by the hunger pains seeming like they’re saying “you’re strong.”
Great, great post.
Best blog entry I have read in a very long time. I can 100% relate to everything you have written here.
Definitely something to think about.
I’m more in the over exercising camp than the under for sure! I can relate to much of this. I do like being hungry, however. It’s not something I eat six times a day to avoid :-)
Everyone needs to find what works best in their life. As a surgeon, I cut when I must, eat when I can :-)
I had the exact same thoughts as I read her post this morning. I eat very very well but I have this terrible terrible fear of hunger. And I need to exercise in order to let myself eat. Sigh.
I wish I had a “normal” relationship with food. I envy my boyfriend for that….
Thanks for adding your thoughts, Kelly! You are, as always, an elegant and insightful writer. It’s funny how motivating fear can be. It’s my goal to someday say that I’ve made my peace with food. Not there yet but I’m working on it!
Thanks for the link-love too:)
tfh- i guess if it keeps me from reverting to bad patterns its a good thing. I just thought Id be able to fully kick it. Be a normal person that doesnt give a second thought to food and can 100% eat intuitively. My counselor told me i will never be “normal” and i have to except that. I will always have that little voice or that little thought that creeps in, but honestly, Id be sad if i didnt have it because it reminds me how far ive come and it feels great to tell it to shut the hell up and eat a hamburger because i remember when i never thought it would be possible.
Angelique- I hate feeling too full as well because it reminds me of my binge days. I hate that i was both anorexic and bulimic because its hard to draw the line. If im full I feel like i gave into a binge habit, and if Im hungry i feel like im depriving myself. Its 1 million times better than it used to be but i still have to check myself every once in a while.
Toni J- thanks! its hard sometimes, because I am recovered, I live a healthy lifestyle and I feel like i have a fine relationship with food, but sometimes I get worried when I feel I am making decisions based on being the complete opposite of how I was when I was sick. Sometimes the other extreme isnt any better. Middle of the road, middle of the road.
Dr J- I could NEVER be an over exerciser. no time, and no discipline. Plus, workouts are my solice, so if i started to abuse them I wouldnt have anything left to keep me sane.
Maggie- “let myself eat.” Food isnt a privilege you earn- you NEED it. Exercise isnt the opposite of food. Think of food as fuel for your workouts/life. they go hand in hand. They are like brothers. or BFFs. or something.
Sassy-I dont envy my boyfriends eating patterns because its all hot pockets and microwave chicken, but i do envy that he just doesnt care. He’ll go all day without eating because he “forgot”. Its just a non-issue. I would kill for food to be a non-issue.
charlotte- im working on it too. perhaps pretending it doesnt exsist isnt the best answer. i honestly think i need to care MORE about it (dip into my inner foodie) and give it a little more love. If i put some time and effort into my meals maybe we will become better friends.
Hey, first time commenting on here, but I just had to say how MUCH I can relate to this post. Through recovery, I too have learned to eat by the clock, and now I do plan my days around my eating schedule to some extent, because of my fear of getting too hungry. While my diet is healthy by all means, my thoughts about it are a different story altogether. Thanks for this post, lets me know I’m not alone! :)
Wow, Kelly. Thanks for sharing…that’s some tough honest stuff. I’ve had a problem with guilt and feeling bad for not working out, eating a fatty meal, etc…I’m working on acceptance though. Every day, it’s a choice.
Thanks for opening up about this. It’s amazing to hear the thought processes that go through other people’s head surrounding food. It’s sad though because food should be an essential, a fuel, as well as enjoyable. And yet it’s so hard to get away from the obsessive thoughts. I agree with the comment you made about envying how your boyfriend just doesn’t care, doesn’t even think about the food. Eats when hungry, stops when full. Doesn’t need to follow times etc. My eating is very by the clock. I hate that. I very much envy people who can accidentally skip a meal just because they weren’t thinking about it. As much as I love food, I don’t really love the obsession with the need to eat based on time or the problem with being afraid to feel hungry. It’s so frustrating sometimes.
I think boyfriends need to remember that they have about 20 lbs more muscle and testosterone which keeps their systems metabolism high – next time he hits the sack give him a quick shot of estrogen in the buttocks and see how he balloons up! Not that I did this… ;)
Jamie Atlas from Fitness Insights
There were parts of this post where I thought it was me writing. I experience the same “grumpy hungry” feeling you describe, and yet I am also scared to be full. As soon as I sit down to a meal and take a bite I start worrying about overeating. What’s that all about??!
I hear you on the actions being healthy but thought processes not- I definitely have issues with that myself sometimes. Thanks for sharing this.
Yeah if we could all have the same relationship with food as men do…. but then all these food blogs would disappear and what would I have to do while I am at work? Oh wait….
I think as women is it hard to have a 100% healthy relationship with food. I mean we are always conscious of calories, fat grams, nutrition, etc, ESPECIALLY if we are healthy eaters. That is where the slippery slope lies, the line between healthy eater and disordered eater is probably thinner than we would all like to admit. The key I think is being aware of what path YOU are taking. I have chosen to be someone who whups her own ass at the gym rather than someone who weighs and measures her food out religiously to maintain her weight…. is that disordered? I don’t know, I certainly don’t FEEL as though it is disordered as the gym does not rule my life. Then again I don’t think of exercising as punishment or a chore, I love to do it. But does an anorexic see starving herself as a chore? Most of them see their disease as a companion so in effect, they might “love” their disease. It is hard to find that line sometimes. The fact that we all experience these issues and can talk openly a freely about them is a good thing.
very enlightening, thank you for this post…