How To Impress Your Friends and Colleagues With NFL Related Jokes This Weekend

Hey internet denizens, this weekend there’s some intriguing conference championship games. You may find yourself watching them with other people. People with whom you may interact. You may want to try to impress them with your knowledge of NFL goings-ons and/or your wit. These jokes probably won’t help you, but — hey — they could. Possibly. I mean, weirder things have happened. Like Peyton Manning winning a playoff game. (See, pure gold!) So when the following situations inevitably come up, you’ll have the jokes at the ready. Remember, hold for laughter.

Whenever announcers mention the Colts three days of rest this week, say “Tony Dungy just wanted his players to get a head start on next week, when they also won’t have to practice.”
Whenever Rex Grossman looks lost and disoriented, say “Maybe he’s been partaking in Mike Vick’s dark particulate.”

Whenever an announcer mentions Hurricane Katrina, say “I thought everything was better now that the Saints won a playoff game. Was I misled? This didn’t make everything better?” If you’re up to it, you could mention that it’s stupid to build a city underwater, but that’s a little dark for you, don’t you think?

Whenever you’re in the mood for a Peyton-Manning-is-gay joke, you could say something about Michael Vick’s dark particulate, because well, that just sounds dirty. You choose your own way with this one. It’s best to add your own style and discretion to innuendo jokes.

At any time, feel free to “Moly Moly Moly Mole” at Drew Brees. Also, he hates his mom, so, all that stuff is in bounds.

If you make any joke about Will Smith, Saints DE, getting “jiggy” with anything, so help me God I will hunt you down.

Tedy Bruschi, surprisingly fair game. Have at it.

Feign Joe Buck disgust at anything and everything. “That was a despicable act, and it’s a shame we had to show that on television,” after a Peyton Manning commercial or a fair catch. Seriously, anything. People hate Joe Buck.

Make fun of Tom Brady’s chin if you will, but beware, a lot of people have crushes/man-crushes on Tom Brady. And those people won’t even laugh politely at your Joe Buck jokes after you turn on Golden Boy.

Make fun of people who make fun of Tom Brady. They are idiots and should be mocked. Incessantly.