If You’re Thinking Of Suicide…
– …Sunday Night Now Has Plenty of Reasons For You to Kill Yourself –
Statistics show suicides are more likely to occur on Mondays. Since the statistics hold for people who are retired as well as those who are working, scientists believe the reason for the jump in deaths is related to “a sense of unease over starting something new.”
In that vein, suicide hotlines around the country are being put on full alert this weekend as the new reality series Kendra opens with an hour-long special episode on Sunday night and is followed by the season premiere of Denise Richards.
In a related development, police in Bangkok now believe a bootleg copy of the show is responsible for the death of David Carradine.
Kendra has the potential to be so inane that E! Entertainment Television is already slated to appear before the World Court on charges of genocide.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favor of hot, bubble-headed blondes flaunting their bodies, but it should be as God intended it — after you’ve slipped them a $20 for a lap dance or in a movie with a paper-thin premise and dialogue like, “Why, yes, I would like some sausage with my pizza.”
Doesn’t the Patriot Act cover this show? With Kendra and Denise Richards back-to-back, we’re in danger of creating a vapidity vortex that could suck in the entire continent of North America.
Especially when it would be so much sexier if they were front-to-front. Rawwwr.
So, America — don’t say you weren’t warned. Kendra debuts tonight with limited commercial interruptions.
Be sure to take an online IQ test before and after the show. If your score isn’t cut in half, you obviously weren’t paying attention.
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First comes love, then comes Kendra. After that — a self-induced lobotomy.
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