Introducing: ‘Ways I Don’t Want To Die’

– An Ongoing Bizlevity Series –

It’s kind of hard to strike a bargain with God when you don’t believe in him.

Still, in an attempt to hedge my bets, I like to occasionally indulge my more macabre fantasies and pick out stories in the news to add to my list of [cue loud, echo effect here] Ways I Don’t Want To Die.

I know I probably won’t have a lot to say about how I leave this mortal coil, but I do have a brief, three-item wish list I’d like to present to anyone or any deity who’s listening:

1) A Little Dignity, Please
If it’s possible, I don’t want to die incontinent or screaming like a little girl. Is that too much to ask? I think this is largely doable as long as I stay in decent shape and am careful not to fall into the tarantula pit at the zoo.

Cowering in a corner while a pack (herd? army? prickle? flock?) of hairy, poisonous spiders advances on me will pretty much guarantee my famous last words will consist of a series of high-pitched screams as I hyperventilate.

In all likelihood, this would cover the whole incontinent thing, too.

2) I Don’t Want People Snickering At My Funeral
I feel pretty good about this one. Mostly, it means I have to avoid doing something stupid like shaking a Coke machine and having it fall on me and crush me to death.

Nice, peaceful and somber is the goal here. This means I vow never to attempt any stupid stunt from one of the Jackass movies.

As a side benefit, I’m hoping I can use this to avoid doing yard work and a lot of household chores. As two former Darwin Award winners who were pruning trees and cleaning chimneys learned, it’s no crime to support the service economy.

3) “That Had To Suck.”
I’d be totally okay if those words weren’t uttered over my casket. This is the kind of “all of the above” category which was the genesis of the whole Ways I Don’t Want to Die list.

Basically, this covers all the ways the bad guys die in horror films or low-budget action flicks. I don’t want to fall three stories and be impaled on a pointy, wrought iron fence or have my head sliced off by a helicopter blade flying through the air.

And I definitely don’t want Patrick Swayze to rip my heart from my chest in a fight while I’m sporting wristbands, a really gay shirt with the arms cut off and a heavily-styled, blown-dry hairdo.

That would suck.

So, here is the first installment of Ways I Don’t Want To Die (‘Cause That Would Suck):

Dying In A Putrid Sewer of Waste
If there’s a worse way to make a living than cleaning sewers, I’m not aware of it. I mean, is there really ever a good day at work in this industry?

I think a good day would be if you came home after 14 years on the job and your wife cheerfully chirped, “How was your day today, honey?” and you avoided strangling her.

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Something simple and understated would be nice….

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Image: Zuma Press

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