Johnson & Johnson Profit Up 30% In Third Quarter
Company Cites Amazing Sales Growth in Wrist Bandages Designed for Distraught Bankers
Health care giant Johnson and Johnson reported higher than expected third quarter earnings as their portfolio of pain relievers, anti-depressants and contraceptives proved to be just what the doctor ordered during these troubled economic times.
A spokesperson for the company said Johnson & Johnson officials were “ecstatic” about the explosive sales of the company’s new home suicide bandage kit which was marketed to investment bankers and real estate agents.
“What we’re seeing is a number of bankers who are buying two kits at a time,” said company publicist Graham Reeper, “These Wall Street guys are making sure they have a back-up kit in case their trophy wife hides the first one.”
In a related development, the Federal Government announced they would spend $325 billion to buy call options on Johnson & Johnson because, as one government official put it, “We’re not making any money investing in all these crappy companies.”
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Photo credit: EveryStockPhoto.com
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