Lessons From the NFL, Week 1

- “Guess who’s the biggest Johnson” may very well prove to be the most hilarious thing ever said in the history of television, nay, entertainment. I would like to personally thank Ron Jaworski for that nugget of pure comedy genius. I’m still giggling about it today.

- If the Giants can get Brandon Jacobs back for next week, they could potentially have the fattest backfield ever. Just imagine this manifestation of sloth and gluttony: 285 lb. “Hefty Lefty” Jared Lorenzen under center with 264 lb. Brandon Jacobs at tailback. Almost makes me wish they still had Ron Dayne. Almost.

- For how awful the pass interference call on Todd Heap was, it overshadows this important point: Brian Billick called on of the worst offensive drives I’ve ever seen. When you have second down from the two yard line needing a touchdown, just run the goddamn ball — especially when your backup quarterback is in. A roll-out pass to the fullback? Really?

- The Irish population of Baltimore must be really proud of McGahee and McNair.

- That Bill Walsh airbrushed tall-tee is the most bizarre combination of cultures since that Jay-Z/Linkin Park CD.

- Mike Greenberg is a condescending jerk. After spending the entire game talking about how Bill Walsh invented the West Coast Offense, Greenberg felt the need to remind “viewers under 30″ that the West Coast Offense hasn’t “always been around.”

- The Patriots appear to be very, very good. (Which gives me a chance to bring up the most damning thing about Lloyd Carr, which somehow fails to get brought up with all the other Michigan disasters. Sure, he loses to Ohio State fairly regularly. And in bowl games. And on the west coast. And to division-II teams. But for me, he will forever be the man who benched Tom Brady.)

- If those Miller Lite “Commissioner” commercials even start to look like their criticizing Goodell, I full expect Miller Breweries to be suspended for at least eight games. No one questions Goodell!

- Matt Schaub won his first game in Houston. Joey Harrington is the quarterback in Atlanta. Atlanta is in trouble.

- That Shawn Merriman/Steven Jackson Nike commercial gets better every time I see it. (Did you notice Jackson nearly fumbles around the 36 second mark?) I am already sick of that Peyton’s mind commercial. Also, I’m not sure what product it’s advertising.

-Tony Romo is a very effective quarterback so long as the opposing defense refused to cover anyone in the middle of the field.

-  Monday Night double-headers are bad for one’s health.