Mean Girls Come From Mean Mommies: The POPULAR Set
August 8, 2008 by Bridget Wright
Filed under Business
The mean girl’s post that Kristen made the other week got quite a few folks buzzing. Of course, they were already buzzing before that post, but the topic is what got everything sparking. What’s interesting is the number of people who “agreed” and those who felt like “they shouldn’t have acted like that.” Hmmm. Interesting. Now while I don’t know any of these commenters personally, I have to really wonder if they’re all genuine, you know, if they REALLY mean what they say. I’ll tell you why.
How They Grow Into It
My daughter is a new sixth-grader (today was the 1st day of school…YAY!!) and is also a 4-year veteran cheerleader. Most of her friends who are also in sixth grade are also cheerleaders. In the small suburban town where I live, these girls are everywhere and go everywhere together. They all go to the same middle school, they’re all cheerleaders, they go to the same parties, they take gymnastics at the same place, they all go to the same church, on and on and on. You get the picture. And to finish it all off, they’ve all been together since pre-school. They’ve all always gotten along pretty good until about this year. That’s when the cliques started. That’s when there were subsets formed with the “pop-u-lar” girls and the not-so-popular ones. That’s when feelings started getting hurt and when things started shifting. Oh yeah, things are waaaay different now than when they were in preschool.
How did this happen?
OMG! You’re NOT Pop-u-lar!
My daughter came home in literal wailing tears last weekend after a back-to-school sixth grade party at which the “pop-u-lar” set (consisting of the **best** cheerleaders on the squad) dissed all of the other cheerleaders/friends/classmates. They made a distinction that if you weren’t one of the popular ones, you couldn’t hang out with them. So my daughter, who by the way does NOT have my **what? what?** personality, was quite upset by this and couldn’t understand why they were acting this way with her and the other long-time friends. The popular girls are a set of about four girls and basically, if you’re not popular or invited into their set, you’re not really all that important to them. Sound familiar?
I spent a long, long time comforting my tween that evening. She cried and cried, almost to the point of being physically sick. I realize that a lot of it was hormonal and perhaps she was also over-tired. But, I also realize that the bulk of the tears were because Kensley had her first taste of mean girls. And it hurt. Bad.
Nothing I could say to her immediately was going to help her. It wasn’t until after she stopped wailing and sobbing that I could talk to her. There are little girls like mine who all the time are being nice and trying to be nice to everybody and it’s dissed away. You know, when you compliment someone or try to make small talk and be friendly and the other person acts as if you just came in from outside petting the pigs! While comforting her, I wanted to go punch all of those girl’s mothers in the nose! This was their fault. Sure I am protective of my child but this goes beyond that. These little girls were just being downright rude and mean. But where did they get these attitudea from? I’m glad you asked. Their moms of course!
Mean girls are a product of mean mommies. Period. All four of those girls mom’s are high-falutin’, condescending, hair-flipping, money-is-no-object-I-get-my-daughter-everything-she-wants folks. They draw lines in the sand and anyone who crosses can be in. Surburban living does that to some people you know. At any rate, the moms personalities and ways are exemplified in their daughters and it’s just NOT attractive.
Now on to the business analogy. I’m sure you were wondering…
Have you ever dealt with a condescending client? Or, served on any committees or boards where you felt like everyone was “in” except you? Or what about the client who insists on knowing your pedigree, zip code (90210?), where your husband works/does and how many times a year you do vacation? They want to know these things, not to chit-chat or find a commonality, but really to size you up to see if you’re “worth” doing business with. Of course, if you don’t meet their standards, don’t worry. You’re not in anyway.
Then there’s the good ol’ girl’s club where only the “pop-u-lar” women do business together. This is where they only send their business to other women who fit their own idea of success based on tangibles. More than just girlfriend networking, the good ol’ girl’s club is full of women who are impresed by status and make their choices based on it.
It’s already hard enough in the business world, never mind the drama that some clients can bring with them. Couple that with office popularity contests, brown-nosing luncheons and the bosses favorites, your life becomes even harder. I figure the best way to deal with these types is to don’t deal with these types. Trust me, it’s way better to have two or three normal clients who want to do business than twenty clients who give you grief and think success is only in the Ann Taylor suit you’re wearing. Ugh!
In business, being nice counts for a lot as does being open and flexible. Everybody doesn’t look like you, act like you, drive what you drive, live in a gated community or send their kids to private schools. Nor does everyone want to. The only thing that normal businesswomen want is to increase their business, find new ideas, get you to patronize their business and make lots of money. That’s it. It just takes too much time and energy to impress people who aren’t worth impressing.
Do you have pop-u-lar folks at the office? Have you ever been business-dissed? Do you think you should ignore mean girls or just kill them with kindness? Or, just kill the mommies? OK, don’t kill the mommies, but what about just hurting the mommies really, really bad?
Good. Thanks!
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Copyright 2008 – Bridget Wright
A-MEN. Children get their sense of right and wrong from parents. And many parents don’t seem to have a clue.
I see what you’re talking about as it plays out in business all of the time – esp in the legal profession. I just expect a little civility and that’s hard to come by these days. And the adoration that gets heaped upon those who get where they are by stepping on others is simply shocking.
I was on a panel at a seminar wherein an attorney who was allotted 20 minutes for his topic chose to speak for an hour and a half on a completely random topic. Fortunately for me, I had already made my speech but my colleague had not and she sat as her entire time was eaten by someone else. I was horrified after it was over and said as much to the moderator. The moderator sighed and said, “I know, but it was X. He’s just that way.”
Wha-huh? “Just that way?” You mean rude?
I’ve no doubt that he has passed that same degree of selfish disregard for others to his kids.
Wow, this is so very true!! Although we are professionals, we are ‘real’ people and many can determine that when they meet us, up front and personal. So you can imagine that we do not associate with other professionals in our field, because they are they have the ‘holier than thou’ mentality and I honestly don’t want to be associated with them or my children to be around theirs. So even though, we may have Dr. in front of our names, we are very ‘real’, honest, loving and caring people and that is what my children see and are familiar with and act the same way. We don’t need to be in the ‘pop-u-lar’ groups and I always teach them that. In God’s eyes we are all the same.
Great post:)
Okay Bridget, first the *What? What?* comment was priceless. But truly, if a person is self-righteous and conceited, there is no way this does not trickle down to their children. These behaviors are learned and even if a parent does not exhibit them, if they allow their children to, then they are just as guilty for not correcting these behaviors.
But I totally get that in business. It’s the same thing. I wonder why companies choose to hire a consultant just to make the consultant feel belittled based on their own personal assumptions. And the only way a climate like this can exist is if management either creates or ignores it.
Some battles are not worth it and I’ve come to learn, some business situations are placed in our lives to show us where God really doesn’t want us to go. And not just where He does. I say, if a client is not adding value to you, just as you are adding value to them, they really aren’t supposed to be your client.
Be blessed!
My gosh, how true this is. I have a 12 year old and a 10 year old (plus various/sundry others) and one thing I’ve been beating (figuratively) into their heads is how really lousy girls can become once ‘cliques’ begin.
The good news is whenever instances whiff up about that, they immediately go into the “That’s fine, that’s your choice, have a nice life” response. It’s sad that one has to teach their kids these kind of coping mechanisms so early in life…but I suppose, better to learn them now than get kicked in the teeth later.
Great article, Barbara
I also find this not only common in face-face workplace environments and playgroups, but also in online environments. It seems women can be ‘cliquish’ no matter what age they are. I suppose it is learned at an early age by their moms or their closest same sex role model. My mom has always been modest and so are we. I just hope that as ‘mean girls’ get older they will learn to respect others and be open to all; irregardless if we have something in common with them or not. As Dr. Daisy said above, in God’s eyes were are all the same. I also want to add, ‘people are people and we should all learn to get along’.
Perhaps the best response to those high-falutin’ girls is simply this: “We can’t hang out with you? Funny, no one really WANTS to hang out with you because of your attitudes.” I’m all for making one or more of the problem people see the flaws in their reasoning. Plus I’m a bit of a troublemaker when given trouble. ;))
I also liked this post. I see what you mean, bridget. these are longer posts, but you have some great writing in here.
brad