Minnesota Twins Will Just Take Whatever You Have On You For Johan Santana

[The Mets, Yankees, Red Sox are seated in a meeting room. The Twins are standing at the front. The Twins speak.]

What we have here is the the best pitcher in baseball, my friends. And we’re willing to part ways with him. But it’s going to take some might fine baseball players, we’re not going to just give away Johan Santana. Don’t wait though, you should act fast. We expect a lot of interest on this one.

[silence]

You don’t want your division rival to get Johan Santana, do you? [Twins look at Yankees.] You better hurry up before your arch-nemesis gets him and wins the world series. [Twins look at Red Sox] You won’t be able to win the whole thing without Johan Santana, the best pitcher in baseball.

[Yankees and Red Sox look at each other, shrug]

Ok, well, maybe he won’t guarantee you a World Series, but this is Johan effing Santana. You want him, badly, and here we are, offering him to you.

[cough]

Seriously, this is a two-time Cy Young winner. We need at least a five-tool major league guy…

[Mets avoid eye contact with Twins]

Well… at least a five-tool prospect…

[Yankees and Red Sox leave while avoiding eye contact]

You assholes, this is some quality pitching I’m offering you here.

[Twins look around, then look down, and sigh]

Ok, Mets, we’ll take whatever you got.

[Mets hand over Carlos Gomez, Philip Humber, Deolis Guerra, Kevin Mulvey]

Fine…shit…and remember you only have until Friday to return him if you don’t want him!