Monday Night Raw: “Before We Turn Off the Lights” Edition

The Setup:
Monday Night Raw begins with none other than the chairman Vince McMahon. Here’s a shocker, he “100% supports and endorses” William Regal, calls him “visionary” and “innovative” and says he reminds him of himself. The audience boos heartily, still smarting from last Monday’s premature blackout.

Regal comes out and turns the lights off again to a chorus of “Regal sucks” chants. He promises to do the entire show in “internal” darkness, which might not be eternal but makes sense somehow. Mr. Kennedy shows up with a silly amount of facial stubble. Regal reminds everyone that “I will not be disrespected!” and orders Kennedy to fight entire ECW in the main event. We hope he bloodies Kennedy’s lip again. He doesn’t, instead choosing to tell us again that “I will not be disrespected.”

Triple H appears presumably to do some disrespecting. But no, he’s still angry for being disrespected. Very angry. He thinks Regal has “declared war on him” by pulling the plug last week. Regal, of course, informs Triple H that he’s joining Mr. Kennedy in the fight-the-whole ECW match. Sounds a little gimmicky and anticlimactic to us.

The Prelims:
The WWE women’s championship is on the line in a lumberjack match, giving the lovely divas another chance to appear en masse. The ersatz spotted owl exterminators do a healthy amount of outside-the-ring scrapping and camera posing. We love it! When the action focus inside the ring on the Beth Phoenix – Mickie James match we are bored. Mickie James wins with a successful inside cradle.

Paul Burchill and his “sister” Katie Lea are set to face some anonymous Canadian. Regal returns Mike Adamle to the announcer’s booth and Jim Ross is grumpily forced to the sidelines. Luckily the match is over quickly and we don’t have to listen to Adamle for much longer. Did you know Adamle played in the NFL for six years? Hard to believe.

The Build-Up:
Shawn Michaels is forced to team with his half-hearted rival Chris Jericho against WWE Tag Team Champions The Miz and John Morrison. If Regal were to turn the lights off during this match the collective glitter on the four competitors’ pants would sufficiently illuminate the Air Canada Centre. Michaels chooses not to tag during the entire match because of bum knee but it’s his well-timed sweet chin music that send Morrison to the canvas for good. Michaels drags his knee back to the locker room. It’s a wonder he can even walk.

CM Punk vs. Randy Orton. Wrestler vs. rassler, exciting vs. boring, jumper vs. stomper, ECW vs. WWE, pale skin vs. baby-oiled tan body, career riser vs. nepotist. It’s a welcome budding rivalry but not that exciting a match. Regal agrees, enters and turns the lights off. Match over.

Highlight of the broadcast so far: a terrific Carlito’s Cantina with Rowdy Roddy Piper and Santino Marella. They trade insults the best being Roddy telling Santino to “get a designated driver.” The segment ends with Cryme Tyme and Cody Rhodes doing a pro-Piper hip hop chant while Roddy does a joyous Irish jig. Hilarious stuff.

Before JBL beats D.H. Smith to a pulp he shows us the inside of his limo, flashes his crotch for a painful 20 seconds or so, calls Canada a toilet bowl, and steps over the line with some repulsive Hart Foundation insults. We didn’t think it was possible but we hate him even more.

The Main Event:
Thirteen (or is it fourteen) ECW competitors proves too much as Chavo Guerrero pins Mr. Kennedy after a Kane chokeslam. Then the fun starts. Triple H starts attacking everyone, the ECW teammates attack each other and then Triple H. A steel chair is brought in, somehow Triple H gets it and starts going wild and then, and then my DVR cuts off because we’ve reached the alotted 9:00 – 11:05 broadcast. ARRRGGGGGHHHH. The show really does go on this time; it’s not a repeat of last week.

Luckily I also watched live and at the DVR-cutoff moment William Regal (presumably) cuts the lights. Again. It’s pitch black in the Air Canada Centre. Chaos, madness, mystery. The lights return and it’s just Triple H and RANDY ORTON! in the ring. Jim Ross asks “Where did Orton come from?” We wonder “where did the entire ECW go?” Orton swiftly RKO’s Triple H and stands over his prone adversary with unconvincing menace. Ross calls him “evil”. Great, great ending.