MSNBC Headline: ‘Consumers Being Squeezed From Two Sides’

Lucky Consumer In Midst of Economic Menage-a-Trois with Sexy Rising Gas Prices and Hot Friend Falling Home Equity

Dear Penthouse Forum,

You might not believe this — I could hardly believe it myself — but every word of this story is true.

I’ve known Gas Prices since we went to high school together.  She was always a bit of a flirt, promising more mileage than she delivered, but our relationship was strictly platonic.  I’d pay for her when we went out, but it was always with friends.  We never really had the opportunity to be alone together.

After we graduated, I moved to New York City and began taking public transportation. Gas Prices and I lost touch with each other until recently when I moved to the suburbs and started dating a really sexy girl who I’ll call Home Equity.  At the time, I had no idea that Gas Prices and Home Equity even knew each other.

Imagine my surprise when, after only three months of going steady, Home Equity offered to go down on me…but only if she could bring her friend, Gas Prices. Little did I realize that it was the same Gas Prices I’d known in high school!

When Home Equity came over that night with a pitcher of mojitos, I could hardly believe my eyes.  Gas Prices had grown from the mousy little thing I knew in high school to a full-blown major expense.  I suspected some of her attributes had been artificially enhanced but I didn’t care…she looked great!

Home Equity suggested I have a few drinks as I watched her do a sexy striptease.  Soon she had taken off every last cent of my leveraged life savings and was passionately kissing Gas Prices.  I was getting more and more excited and soon lost my shirt as the pair continued their erotic dance.

Home Equity walked over to me and started kissing my neck, teasing me with promises of what was to come.  Then she started to go lower, slowly at first, but then faster and faster.  Meanwhile, Gas Prices was rubbing her inflated prices all over me, leaving me excited but still wanting more.

I slowly eased out my wad (of cash) and started pumping Gas Prices for all she was worth.  I don’t like to brag but I get paid more than the average guy.  I started out giving Gas Prices first one, then two and finally, my entire 10 dollars.  Over and over I slipped my sawbuck into her.  And not the old 10 dollar bill with the small Alexander Hamilton on it, the new one…with the big head.

Gas Prices loved it.  I felt her excitement and knew she was ready to explode at any moment.  Meanwhile, Home Equity had me on the edge as she continued to go lower and lower.  I didn’t know how much longer I could hold out. I let out a yell as I withdrew all my money from the bank and threw it all over both of them.

Gas Prices, Home Equity and I had a wild couple of months with each other before we went our separate ways.  Sometimes these days, when I’m bouncing between renting one apartment after another, I think back on those times and remember what it was like to get well and truly f***ed.

-Typical Consumer

-

Take it all, baby…

-

Photo

-