Optimists’ Stock Club Meeting Cancelled
President Cites Gloomy Outlook For Markets; Increased Suicide Rate Among Group Members
The meeting of the investment club of the World Organization of Highly Optimistic Optimists (WOO HOO) abruptly canceled its scheduled monthly meeting as the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged below 7000 on Monday.
“We were just too depressed to discuss the markets,” said club president, Sparky Perkki.
“Between that and the fact that we had two of our long-time members hang themselves after getting their end of the year 401-K statements … well, it was all just too much to take…”
Mr. Perkki broke down sobbing at that point and was quickly removed as club president by a unanimous phone vote of remaining club members.
Interim president Rosie Outluk urged members to stay positive. “It’s a bit of a cliche, but if your portfolio’s down 50%, that means your stock account is half-full.”
Off the record, Ms. Outluk noted most members were approaching a 70% loss on their portfolios.
Rosie cheerfully noted that, as a member service, she would be announcing a new partnership between her group and the Final Exit network whereby WOOHOO members could receive a coupon good for $50 off their next assisted suicide.
Continuing a long-standing tradition, the group will continue to start each meeting by making a pitcher of lemonade from fruit handed to them by a random stranger.
WOOHOO membership has dropped off sharply this year as many club members have been enlisted as lobbyists to help convince voters that the massive stimulus bill just passed will have some kind of positive effect on the markets.
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Optimist club member prepares to look for pony in steaming pile of stock holdings…
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Image: sam zimbabwe on Flickr
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