Panic On The Streets Of Space

Some time ago, I was given a random game cartridge by Jonic called Space Panic in the hope that I’d review it, despite me having no idea of what the game is or even what the console it was made for looks like. I’ve manfully stared at the thing for a couple of weeks now, admiring the font, the black squareness of the cartridge itself, the saucy insouciance of the little circuity board thing poking out from the bottom and the pleasing lightness as I hold it in my hand. But there must come a time when I pull the promised review from my copious ass, and this is that time!

The only problem is that since I have no idea of what the game is or how to play it, I’ll have to make up what it probably is and then review that, and hope I guessed right.

That sounds like a worthwhile use of my time and yours.

So. The game is called Space Panic. I think the Space referenced in the title is actually living space – council housing, of which there is too little to go around in this nightmare electronic world. And the Panic is being whipped up by tabloid newspapers! So you have to fly your craft through a challenging maze of immigration policy and red tape in order to give your family a safe place to live after your flight from the tyrannical regime of your previous country… um… wait, that sounds overly worthy for a console game. And overly topical for a console game of the early 80s.

Let’s start again.

So. Space Panic is probably set in actual Space, the location, rather than being about space, the concept. What could possibly create Panic in Space?

Having no suit?

That’s it! You have to hang in the void for long seconds and then explode in a cascade of digital gore as the lack of atmosphere allows the air that you have until recently breathed to burst your lungs apart from the inside.

So how does it score? Well, as games go, it’s an enjoyable diversion – however I find it too short and there seems to be no way of progressing to the second level. If there is a second level. With some practice I can last up to thirty seconds, but since my eyeballs pop out of my skull after about fifteen, the entire screen goes black, which reduces my enjoyment of the game.

I give it three stars… oh for God’s sake this is ridiculous.

I’m going to find out more information about Space Panic and get back to you, faithful reader. Who knows? Perhaps I’ll even manage to play this time-lost titan! Stay tuned and find out!