Paula Abdul’s Nose Is Out Of Joint

– Nothing to Do With Plastic Surgery, ‘American Idol’ Judge Looks To Negotiate New Contract –

I hope I don’t have to tell you that everyone in Hollywood is insane and completely out of touch with any kind of reality that affects normal people.

The latest example is that, according to her agent, Paula Abdul is “hurt” and “angry” that the producers of American Idol haven’t renewed her contract.

This is what’s known in show business as “negotiating.” As an agent you have to pretend that your client has oodles of other job offers that will pay her $25 million a year to clap like a seal, spout complete gibberish and dress like a little girl who pulled her clothes out of a trunk in the attic for an imaginary tea party.

In every major city in the country there’s a school teacher paying for supplies out of his or her own pocket to teach poor kids how to read and yet here we are arguing how many tens of millions of dollars it’s worth to have Paula sit in a chair and say things like “You sound like the color fuchsia” or “That performance tasted like springtime” and then take 10 minutes to explain what she meant by that.

You could grab a handful of poetry magnets and throw them against your refrigerator and the resulting sentence they formed would still sound 30 times more sensible than anything that’s ever come out of Paula’s mouth.

I know this will probably throw the entire American Idol negotiation process into chaos, but I’m going to go on record as saying that, for just $10 million a year, I’ll dress in Victorian hoop skirts and boas, roll my eyes and say “Oh, Simon!” while I playfully punch him in the shoulder.

For an extra millon dollars, I’ll take a full swing at him.

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Won’t return to American Idol unless her imaginary friend Mr. Bunny also gets contract extension…

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Image: Zuma Press

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