Personal Finance Advice: Book Excerpt

In conjunction with the release of the book We Need to Talk: Money & Kids After Divorce, we’re having a contest at Yielding Wealth this week. Don’t forget to email me your personal finance questions. So far, I’ve been getting some good ones.

There is some good personal finance advice in this book, even for those who are not divorced. Here is an excerpt from the book by Linda Leitz.

Let’s start with a basic assumption: Only I Control Me. That means that when it comes to the final decision on what you do and don’t do, you’re in control. It doesn’t mean that you can create unrealistic choices, but you are able to choose from your viable alternatives. As you digest the concept of Only I Control Me, you’ll begin to see that all your choices might not be obvious at first glance.

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It’s in you and your children’s best interests that you and your ex communicate and coordinate your finances regarding the kids as much as possible.  But sometimes, despite all efforts, your ex just won’t work with you.  You get your facts together, present a proposal, compliment your ex on how important his input is, and he says he’ll get back to you, but never does.  Or you mutually agree on a financial commitment, but he doesn’t follow through with his part or tells you at the last minute that what you both agreed to do doesn’t work for him.  Or he tells you what you “have to” do and doesn’t want to discuss other alternatives.  You’re not alone.  And just for the record, I’ve heard from plenty of frustrated dads about obstinate, selfish moms.  This is not just a Y chromosome issue.   

I have a female client with two kids that are now both in elementary school.  Her divorce was such a financial blow that she declared bankruptcy.  A couple of years after the bankruptcy and divorce, she’s able to pay her ongoing bills and start saving for the future.  Her ex needs to be on medication for mood stability, but doesn’t like taking his meds.  Because of these ongoing medical problems, he’s had trouble holding much of a job and he has never paid child support since their divorce. 

Mom has come to the realization that pushing Dad for payments won’t make the money appear.  He’s barely able to pay his individual expenses.  He lives with friends and doesn’t have dependable transportation, so the kids aren’t able to spend time with him regularly.  As much as she hates having to make ends meet for herself and the kids without the financial help he’s legally supposed to provide, her bigger concern has become that the kids miss him and worry about whether he’s ok.  He now has a job at a place where he knows when his breaks are going to be, so once a week or so, Mom and the kids go to where he works around his lunch time.  She brings sandwiches for the kids to eat and they sit and have lunch with their dad. 

She’s realized that her situation is not what she wants it to be.  But blaming it on her ex will only upset the kids and make them uncomfortable about expressing their concerns about their dad.  She hopes that some day, either he’ll be in a better situation or the kids will learn to accept his limitations.  Either way, Mom has realized that the best thing to do for her and the kids is to do the best she can with the money she can earn and to try to keep the kids in touch with their dad. 

This mom is coming to grips with a sense that the father of her children is struggling with his ability to do what he needs to do just for himself.  Trying to control him will only make his situation worse, which will worry the kids more.  Her living in accord with Only I Control Me means that she has developed a budget she can single-handedly fund for herself and her kids.  It also means she wants her kids to have some peace of mind about their dad and she makes an effort to try and provide that. 

Even the best of separate household co-parenting relationships will have some issues that Mom and Dad just don’t agree on.  And some parents will find themselves with an ex who won’t agree on anything and seems to intentionally disagree just for the sport of it.  There’s an old joking analogy that points out the futility of an action.  “It’s like trying to teach a pig to dance.  It accomplishes nothing and annoys the pig.”  I’m not suggesting that your ex-husband is in any way comparable to a pig that can’t dance. 
Efforts to force your ex to do something that he doesn’t want to do can often result in nothing but annoyance for you both, and an unflattering show for anyone watching.  And bemoaning your sad situation doesn’t accomplish anything either.  Go back to your brainstorming efforts to look at all the alternatives that you have and find the ones that allow you to live “Only I Control Me”.  Only you can bring the independence and autonomy to your life—including your parenting—that you deserve.

Linda Leitz, CFP, Pinnacle Financial Concepts, Inc., Colorado Springs, Colorado, is author of We Need to Talk: Money & Kids After Divorce (March 2008) and The Ultimate Parenting Map to Money Smart Kids (2006).  She specializes in helping families and individuals meet their long- term financial goals.  She also helps those in the midst of divorce resolve financial issues through her company Divorce Solutions, Inc.  She can be reached at 719-260-9800 or Linda@LindaLeitz.com.