Republican Primary Slogan Scrambles Long-Time Rankings
McCain’s ‘Country First’ Push Expected to Drop Gale Sayers to Fourth Place Behind ‘God’ and ‘Friends’
John McCain’s urgent plea to “put country first” has scrambled traditional rankings and prompted publishers to recall all outstanding copies of Gale Sayers’ autobiography, I Am Third.
The former Chicago Bear has held the number three spot since the release of his life story back in 1970. The title of the book is taken from Sayers’ self-proclaimed credo that, in his life, “The Lord is first, my friends are second, and I am third.”
Sayers book will be re-marketed under the title, It Sucks To Be Fourth.
Not surprisingly, God, who formerly occupied first place in the hierarchy, is said to be upset that He is being relegated to second place behind “Country” by McCain.
Although God was unavailable for comment, anonymous evangelical sources acknowledged that God has, in recent centuries, gotten by largely on Self-given talent and has devoted little time to physical conditioning. These same pundits maintain that “The Big Guy” is determined to make a comeback and cited the fact that God had recently hired a personal trainer and nutritionist as evidence of His new serious approach to His career.
“It’s probably best for McCain not to get God angry,” said a member of Pat Robertson’s congregation. “He could just decide to go off and get Obama elected. That would really mess with some peoples’ heads.” Instead, God is believed to have sent Sarah Palin, a well-known supporter, to help out McCain.
Rumors persist of a “devil’s bargain” whereby God promised Palin that McCain would have “three…four months, tops” in office before being struck down with a heart attack. Palin would then be expected to repudiate McCain’s “Country First” doctrine and govern the United States as a Christian theocracy.
In a related development, rational self-interest is in danger of falling out of the top 10 altogether as the Presidential primary season enters its final months and such diverse groups as mortgage bankers, credit card holders and that guy in accounting who still owes money for the fantasy football pool all take priority over your interests.
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