Scrolling Headlines Don’t Scroll Unless You Do — July 18, 2008

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Citibank Posts $2.5 Billion Quarterly Loss, Beats Expectations
Banks Pursues Novel ‘Retarded Kid’ Strategy — Praises Management Efforts, Sets Low Expectations and Says They’ll Be Happy If No One Gets Injured

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J.P. Morgan Predicts More Loan Losses
Savvy Analysts Also Predict Amy Winehouse Will Do More Drugs, Sun Will Rise in East

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American Airlines To Lay Off 1500 Maintenance Workers
Move Also Expected to Thin Ranks of Pilots, Flight Attendants Over Time

Monday morning at American Airlines headquarters

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California Pension Plan Loses Over $2 Billion Due To ‘Socially Responsible’ Restrictions
California Workers To Feel Better About Themselves During Retirement While Eating Cat Food

Feels good about investments, not so good about having to share dinner with Fluffy

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Yahoo Calls Microsoft Takeover Behavior ‘Stupefying’
Microsoft Says Yahoo’s Response ‘Inevitable-Defying, Baby-Crying’ As Rap War Breaks Out Between Internet Giants

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Alzheimer Cure Still Proving Elusive
Anheuser Busch Says Sports Marketing Won’t Be Cut One Week After Saying They’d Never Sell Out to Foreign-Owned Company

Pit crew searches for American-made parts on car while bitching about foreign takover of Anheuser-Busch

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Newsweek Q & A: Is Your Bank At Risk?
Yeah. Duh.

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Mattel Wins Victory In Bratz Doll Lawsuit
‘C’mon Everybody! Orgy At Barbie’s House!’

Ken’s new shipment of GHB arrives

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